All high street stores to close as Amazon online survey shows no-one buys good offline anymore

All high street stores across the US and the UK will close as of 1st July this year, after governments agreed with online store Amazon's suggestions that the world would be a better place without them. Earlier this month, Amazon's online poll showed that 99% of its shoppers would never use an offline store, and over 76% had no idea that such a thing as the "high street" even existed.

More qualitative follow-ups to Amazon's initial survey, undertaken by alternative comedian Randy "Randy" Randerson, showed at least one member of the public who had:

"Never heard of a mart, supermarket, market, marche, shopping precinct, or any of these things. What the hell are you people on about?"

While some have accused the US and UK governments of bowing to commercial pressures, Amazon have been quick to refute the charges.

"This survey is like the serving suggestion on a box of cornflakes. And just like they suggest you should pour out only about seven flakes per serving, you go ahead and pour out a proper bowl of breakfast. The government here is just doing the same thing."

In our online forum, these proposed high street closures are yet to alarm anyone.