World Business Sci / Tech

All high street stores to close as Amazon online survey shows no-one buys good offline anymore

story image about amazon and business Closed until further notice* *Available with Prime
Report story

All high street stores across the US and the UK will close as of 1st July this year, after governments agreed with online store Amazon's suggestions that the world would be a better place without them. Earlier this month, Amazon's online poll showed that 99% of its shoppers would never use an offline store, and over 76% had no idea that such a thing as the "high street" even existed.

More qualitative follow-ups to Amazon's initial survey, undertaken by alternative comedian Randy "Randy" Randerson, showed at least one member of the public who had:

"Never heard of a mart, supermarket, market, marche, shopping precinct, or any of these things. What the hell are you people on about?"

While some have accused the US and UK governments of bowing to commercial pressures, Amazon have been quick to refute the charges.

"This survey is like the serving suggestion on a box of cornflakes. And just like they suggest you should pour out only about seven flakes per serving, you go ahead and pour out a proper bowl of breakfast. The government here is just doing the same thing."

In our online forum, these proposed high street closures are yet to alarm anyone.





The funny news item you've just read is FICTITIOUS. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof.

Headlines like this

thumbnail for item Speedo

Car maker purposefully sets speedometers wrong

World Business 15

In a fit of genuine journalistic effort, we at Laughsend.com can now report on the stunning discovery that, in the same way many high-rise buildings avoid building a 13th floor,...

read more
9 years ago
thumbnail for item Email spam causes fire

Spam email sets fire to living room rug

World Business 4

A spam email today jumped across the technological barrier, by setting fire to a recipient's rug, and almost terrifying some nearby shrews....

read more
9 years ago

Comments

This content hasn't made people froth at the mouth with comments yet. Why not be the first to add one?

To add a comment you must first sign up and login.


Scorpio horoscope

Life will throw many things at you over the coming months, including a book-shelf which you probably should have ensu......

Full horoscope

More from Laughsend

thumbnail for Celine Dion news story Titanic Wreck Scanned, Celine Dion Weeps With Envy thumbnail for Bush news story George W Bush to Take Over as the New Host of The Price is Right and Finally Find the Weapons of Mass Destruction
Funny RSS feed