Your free, funny Aquarius horoscope for today

If you lose money today you can be assured that the nature of human kindness will mean you never see it again. This is because today the nature of human kindness is to be as mean as an old woman the day before pension day.

The faster you travel today, the more likely you are to pick up a speeding ticket.

If you are at all paranoid about webcams being placed around your room, your best bet is to hire a small specially trained monkey from your local gadget shop. They're small, cuddly and leave only the most minute traces of their own faeces spread in the corners. Some of them make good pets but will swipe your eyes out without a moment's hesitation if you attempt to clean the faeces. In horoscope news, today might not be the best day to hire a spycam finding monkey.

Believe everything you read today. You gullibility may cause you problems later this week.

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