Adam Sandler, comedy actor and sometimes musician, has been declared by an anonymous group of scientists to contain all the hallmarks of man's next step in evolution. The claim, published in Scientific Shenanigans magazine, focuses on the actor's facial features and his latent talents.
"It's quite something to see Sandler on the big screen. One almost feels in the presence of something bigger than the movie itself - a Colossus, deigning to grace us with his qualities. His robust chin, the glow in his cheek; a genuine and pleasing sparkle in such brown, brown eyes."
The claim continues to pronounce Sandler's smile to be "as a God, showing his creations what happiness should look like", and his physique to be "at worst devastating, at best sexually distracting". The conclusion of the rather in-depth examination of Adam Sandler is that he is likely the next evolutionary step for mankind, and that "soon perhaps all will look and act just like him".
Although the authors of the article are anonymous, speculations range from Sandler himself, to his mother, and sometimes even his grandmother. Some, however disagree with those possibilities:
"I'd say that Sandler doesn't even have a mother, or a grandmother," claimed one anonymous voice on Twitter. "I believe that he is not from a virgin birth, but that he wasn't even born at all - that's how pure he is. He has no mother or father - but was generated from pure energy."