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06:00 |
Wake up losers
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News / political programme |
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06:00AM to 08:30AM.
Insulting breakfast show that tells the viewer to wake up and smell the coffee.
Jet fuel can't melt steal beams
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08:30 |
Norma
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Genital health show |
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08:30AM to 09:00AM.
Classically trained chef Norma turns her hand to problem solving people's relationship issues and venereal diseases.
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09:00 |
Lawks a lordy
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Current / consumer affairs |
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09:00AM to 10:00AM.
Topical show in which people try to outdo each other with pre-watershed insults.
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10:00 |
Weekly MP bribe
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Current / consumer affairs |
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10:00AM to 10:30AM.
Examining the various bribes that have been given to MPs this week in order to maintain the status quo of rich people controlling everything.
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10:30 |
Loose men
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Current / consumer affairs |
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10:30AM to 11:30AM.
Backslapping sexist pigs attempt to masquerade their show as relevant by occasionally discussing cancer.
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11:30 |
Not the whole penny
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Current / consumer affairs |
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11:30AM to 12:30PM.
Business studies professor Mary Nixon investigates what happens to all those decimal parts of computed wage-slips that "get lost in the system somewhere". Interviews with the idiots behind Superman 3, and the geniuses behind Office Space.
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12:30 |
News in the Afternoon
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News / political programme |
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12:30PM to 13:00PM. Due to legal restrictions, you may only pause this program once
Straight talking news show that doesn't shy away from showing you beheading videos.
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13:00 |
And in the morning the rash should be gone
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Soap |
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13:00PM to 13:30PM.
It's always fun at the Doctors' - new drama series with Henry Key and Robert Key
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Carl Lutz wonders what it would be like to not go around wearing someone else's clothing. Someone notices everything, and he knows Jillian's little secret about going for a long walk. In the future, people will look back at this and weep? How far the apple has fallen.
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13:30 |
The street where you live
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Soap |
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13:30PM to 14:00PM.
Truly award winning* soap based on a totally normal street near you.
*Not actually award winning
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Can Matthew face the truth about not bothering to clean between the toes? Can the tension last while Matthew is still there? Matthew has the presence of mind to consider presenting neighbours with signed copies of their own photographs; he will have to face the consequences of salivating constantly. Realistic is an anagram of this show's name.
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14:00 |
I just want my money, that's all
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Auction show |
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14:00PM to 15:00PM.
People stand around pretending to be interested while an old man wearing tweed tells them how much money their crap from the mantelpiece costs.
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15:00 |
The investigator did it
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Crime / Murder mystery Series |
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15:00PM to 15:30PM.
Weekly escapades of naughty detective Guilt, attempting to solve crimes that he himself committed.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Nobody knows, and nobody cares. George Guilt notices that Mary is hoping for the best. This week: fonzie jumps the shark.
Morally repugnant
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15:30 |
Avery does crime & time
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Crime / Murder mystery Series |
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15:30PM to 16:30PM.
Denim jeans salesman Lisa Avery performs a misdeed and is jailed in this weekly drek.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: One hundred and twenty three gambling addicts died in the making of this episode.
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16:30 |
Hands-down pants-down
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Quiz show |
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16:30PM to 17:00PM.
Wacky quiz in which contestants must guess who is their partner by examining their genitals.
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17:00 |
News close to you
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News / political programme |
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17:00PM to 17:30PM.
A summary of all the regional drama that happened outisde the shopping centre near where you live.
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17:30 |
News in the Evening
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News / political programme |
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17:30PM to 19:00PM.
Hope you're back from your day job, because this is what we feed you when you're too tired to move or find the remote control.
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19:00 |
All this used to be fields
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Soap |
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19:00PM to 19:30PM.
Sexy young couples, old people, and nothing in between, all fight and flooze together in one amazing farming community.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Will Guy Lutz confess to Maynard about going for a long walk? What did happen last episode, anyway? He considers the moral rights and wrongs of dancing at the school fete. Realistic is an anagram of this show's name.
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19:30 |
People who live next door
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Soap |
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19:30PM to 20:00PM.
Australian soap. Four hundred people dwell in a single street, presumably leading to a great deal of webbed-feet and confusion about which cousin is which.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Mary has the presence of mind to consider salivating constantly. The not bothering to clean between the toes episode continues to haunt Mary, and can't seem to catch a break. Docile anthropomorphic resonances think more clearly with alcohol in their systems.
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20:00 |
You carry a pink umbrella and you're not gay?
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Current / consumer affairs |
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20:00PM to 20:30PM.
Series outing those who are clearly gay but not aware of it.
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20:30 |
If it moves - kill it, screw it or give it up for adoption
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Soap |
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20:30PM to 21:00PM.
Award winning soap in which the worst possible people are presented in a totally believable way.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: Michaela decides to wish you a merry christmas.
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21:00 |
We go where escaped prisoners go
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Documentary |
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21:00PM to 22:00PM.
Famed documentary makers the brothers find a haven for escaped prisoners. Watch as they contact the authorities and prisoners scatter.
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22:00 |
Surely it's too late for news?!
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News / political programme |
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22:00PM to 22:30PM.
It's never too late. Even though you've been following all the news throughout the day on your smartphone.
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22:30 |
The old Queen and her scabies
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Historical / Period Drama Series |
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22:30PM to 23:30PM.
She was diseased, probably gay, and overly dramatic just because she could be. She was once Donna McKay. Now she's in a ten part series.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: The strikes out today, just as everyone predicted. Will Michael ever discover what The did that summer on The boat? Will anyone drop clothes to The floor?
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23:30 |
The artificial limbs of Elizabeth Bowers
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Hospital drama |
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23:30PM to 00:30AM.
Weekly series showing the interesting diagnoses or Dr Bowers, the psychotic but witty head of forensic challenges.
Episode details:
Season 1, Ep. 1: No-one is sure Shania is even serious. Someone's bound to notice this only happened once someone mentioned being able to see through walls.
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00:30 |
Joesph French
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Genital health show |
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00:30AM to 02:00AM.
Oh, I don't know - it's some kind of show where a trumped up host decides that everyone on their show is wrong. Usually rightly, but it's still irritating.
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Titanic Wreck Scanned, Celine Dion Weeps With Envy
George W Bush to Take Over as the New Host of The Price is Right and Finally Find the Weapons of Mass Destruction
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