Birth date: 24 October - 21 November

Scorpions are most often very prim and proper, not enjoying fart jokes or Calvin and Hobbes "pissing" pictures. Whilst they do a sense of humour, Scorpio is the star-sign most likely to use the phrase "I have a very good sense of humour, it's you that doesn't".

Whilst being one of the more uptight star-signs, Scorpio is also well endowed in the sexual areas. For men, this can be referenced in the pseudo-medical manner as "Trouser-Snakeage". For women, "Ample Breastage". Many Scorpions are also proud to have at their disposal, an almost insatiable appetite for love and are often quite overpowering in the giving and receiving of attentions.

Scorpio also tend to have a very poor sense of time, often losing it altogether. Whilst this does mean that Scorpions are one of the most likely star-signs to be late for a meeting, it also accounts for the alarming statistic that 47% of all recorded alien-abductees are Scorpions. 98% of those have reported losing time on their way to and from the alien's craft, whilst 21% of them pronounced upon landing that their "butt was sore".

All Scorpions are required by law to have a tattoo of a scorpion placed on the small of their back or on one of their shoulders.

Capricorn horoscope

The stars indicate that walking under ladders is a bad idea for you this month. Lorry loads of plastic fake dog-poo......

Full horoscope

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