US News Sci / Tech

Man loses weight by positive thinking

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TUSCON, ARIZONA. A forty seven year old American, known locally as plain old Bob, but on the curled up leathery manuscript of his birth certificate is labelled as Gregory Jones, today came to the attention of the world by declaring that he'd lost weight simply by thinking about it. Bob, whose swagger has been described by teenagers as "real", is alleged to have come across the idea spontaneously, and has so far been courted by several book publishing companies.

"It was a simple idea, I guess. I've been on the 5-2 diet, the cannibal diet, the kiwi and lemon diet, the gingerbread man diet - hell I even tried a calorie controlled diet... but nothing was working for me. The only time I legitimately lost weight was on the cannibal diet, and that's only because I ate the thumb on my left hand. Who knew a thumb weighed half a pound? I was stoked. Anyhoo - then I just thought 'What if I just thought myself slim?'. And boom!"

Bob's weight loss has been significant. In 2014 he can be seen in a photograph from a work night out, in which he is center frame of a group shot and yet still outside the bounds on both sides of the polaroid. Customs officials have estimated his initial weight to have been around 320 pounds, and yet now, as of June 2016, Bob weighs just 89 pounds 4 ounces.

"You have to think big - and by big, I mean small. Let me start that again: You have to think small. You have to be small. When you're as small as you can be - in your head, mind you - you then crush that small you with your foot until all the air, juice and crap are gone. Then what do you have? A shitty, vomity, bloody mess. That's the vision I give myself every morning. I don't eat because my stomach revolts every time I try! It's great."

Bob's book that accompanies his diet is preliminarily labelled "Crush the fat man".

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Comments

#1 @ 2 years ago
by Your news, delivered daily - Writer

WHATEVR YOU SAY, CHARLIE. EDITE: SORRY, UNLIKELY POST!

2 comments, registered 3 years ago
#2 @ 2 years ago
by swim_hole - Ghost

Dustintaylor wrote

WHATEVR YOU SAY, CHARLIE. EDITE: SORRY, UNLIKELY POST!

I ENJOY THIS. GOOD MORNING SUNSHINE. :)

10 comments, registered 3 years ago
#3 @ 2 years ago
by hickman w - Ghost

Dustintaylor wrote

WHATEVR YOU SAY, CHARLIE. EDITE: SORRY, UNLIKELY POST!

* shrugs *. Snore. :)

2 comments, registered 4 years ago
#4 @ 2 years ago
by powderdinosaur - One-off wonder

Dustintaylor wrote

WHATEVR YOU SAY, CHARLIE. EDITE: SORRY, UNLIKELY POST!

OK write up, but marred by superficial errors that make the majority of it barely readable. There are all sorts of reasons to detest you, and this is one. :(.

1 comment, registered 3 years ago
#5 @ 2 years ago
by Kendo Monkey - Writer

Dustintaylor wrote

WHATEVR YOU SAY, CHARLIE. EDITE: SORRY, UNLIKELY POST!

I DIDN'T NOT UN-LOATHE THIS. LOVED IT.

3 comments, registered 3 years ago
#6 @ 2 years ago
by Evelyn Waugh - Ghost

powderdinosaur wrote

Dustintaylor wrote

WHATEVR YOU SAY, CHARLIE. EDITE: SORRY, UNLIKELY POST!

OK write up, but marred by superficial errors that make the majority of it barely readable. There are all sorts of reasons to detest you, and this is one. :(.

Slow clap. Fake. :(.

3 comments, registered 4 years ago

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