In science and health news today, special reports come through from our Russian colleagues at Laughingstok University, who have completed their studies into the various healing powers of tears. Motivated by the legendary story that Phoenix tears, made famous by Fawkes, the fiery bird in the Harry Potter stories, are able to heal even the worst of physical wounds, our Comrades to the East conducted tests to see whether other animals and species had interesting effects.
"It was an amazing study," said Donald Trump (no relation). "Birds were found to have no special powers or properties that could be said to make any difference to wounds, or cuts and grazes. The only thing that was found to have an effect were the tears of a clown."
Some have said that the findings are not original, and were indeed originally prophesied in the song "The Tears of a Clown" by Smokey Robinson and the miracles, the lyrics claiming:
"And in the year 2016, the greatest year man has ever seen, Russia will come with news so great, that show your true healing grace The Tears of a Clown..."
Clown tears are currently in short supply, but it has been alleged that Laboratoire Garnier, Clarins and Olay are all running around trying to stamp on any over sized feet they come across.