World Health

Man runs out of coffee; tweets about it

story image about coffee and health Artist's impression of the tea that wasn't coffee
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A man today went to make himself a fresh mug of instant coffee, only to find that the coffee tin was empty. Apparently chagrinned by the lack of coffee in the house, that man had to make a cup of tea instead, before tweeting about his experience.

The exact circumstances of the man are difficult to gauge, but we can surmise that he is a rather unfortunate individual; lacking as he is a good source of coffee, he clearly also lacks the imagination to, for instance, go shopping, or prevent himself from using social media in order to complain about an easily fixable and workaday problem.

Although the man declined an interview, possibly due to some unknown social anxiety problem, we have concocted something:

"Perhaps I can synthesise coffee using tea and chocolate shavings. No, it needs to be more bitter. How about some pencil lead?"

Coffee facts

  1. Coffee is an affliction that an approximate 76% of all human beings are genetically predisposed to suffer from.
  2. Science has also claimed that caffeine is as dangerous to smoke as methylated spirits are to inject.
  3. Some species of forest-dwelling cats are known to make coffee by grinding their own beans and brewing the coffee using freshly boiling water - but this phenomenon has only been seen by French astrology Roger Tricolore.

The funny news item you've just read is FICTITIOUS. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof.

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