Weather

Brazen sunshine, pointy birds be damned on a day like today

Today's weather report

16th December 2017

For the rest of the nation, the report perhaps shows that people believe weather forecasters. The report for today has a every chance of being unsettled, with some sunny intervals during the latter part of the second half of the week. The future for the next three weeks indicates it will be breezy for the second half of the week, with the afternoon exploding into wet. Chubby rain and sunny spells across the region to end the day, with light snow dying away during tomorrow. Determining whether the car needs washing will affect your chances of winds today, as will the possiblity of your barbequeing.

It's not that weather is tied into fate, or the world of irony, but rather that the collective perspiration of everyone concerned with their car-washing or barbeque being affected by the weather, actually affects the weather. It must be true because I read it on the internet somewhere. Here, in fact.

Right now.

This week's silly weather forecast

Brazen sunshine, pointy birds be damned on a day like today
29°c
84.2°F
Sat
Sun VERY afraid, hiding from pointy birds
7°c
44.6°F
Sun
Sun afraid, hiding from pointy birds
37°c
98.6°F
Mon
Limbless sheep being attacked by pointy birds
18°c
64.4°F
Tue
Sun VERY afraid, hiding from pointy birds
43°c
109.4°F
Wed
Pointy birds get eaten by reinforcements; still attack limbless sheep
11°c
51.8°F
Thu
Sun afraid, hiding from pointy birds
-4°c
24.8°F
Fri



I've been predicting fake funny weather reports now for so long that I can't stand to look at my own face; I now have to cope with brushing my hair using the back of a spoon, or I start to feel sick. Life disgusts me, and so do all the people I know. Actually, the people I don't know disgust me more, so file that under irrelevant. "What's the weather going to be like, Sharon?" they ask me. Well, I spit on them and tell them it's gonna be wet. They punch me in the face and mock me for "not seeing it coming". You tell me: is that fair? Probably.

I hope you enjoy my funny spoof weather reports because they're about as funny as the weather is to forecast. Am I a fake? Oh hell yeah. But, in true satire ways, my fake weather forecasts are as likely to come true as a genuine weather forecasts. The trick, really, is to say that I'm going to be predicting today's weather, when the truth of it is that I can look outside and see generally whether it's going to be a nice day or a bad day. Then I ignore all of that and try to make you laugh instead.

Oh, and please note that we're not responsible for the actual weather outside, or inside. Or anywhere, really.

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