Brazen sunshine, pointy birds be damned on a day like today

Today's weather report

26th March 2019

Some sunny intervals and foggy mist across the region to end the day, with foggy mist dying away during the rest of the week. The upcoming forecast for dawn or some other short period we can't possibly predict indicates it will be dry for the morning, with the day turning cold. The outlook for today suggests it will be quite simply beyond the pale, with light drizzle during the latter part of the witching hours.

Light drizzle will affect northeastern areas but there will also be sunny spells or light snow, and any snowfall will vary wildly. It'll be misty and/or wet for much of today, with occasional and sometimes eternal heavy or light fog.

Thunderstorms are not expected in your region, although people are being warned to be careful in case this changes, the chances of which are undetermined.

This week's silly weather forecast

Brazen sunshine, pointy birds be damned on a day like today
Limbless sheep retailiating against pointy birds
Sun afraid, hiding from pointy birds
Sun afraid, hiding from pointy birds
Sun afraid, hiding from pointy birds
Pointy birds get eaten by reinforcements; still attack limbless sheep
Pointy birds get reinforcements against limbless sheep

I've been predicting fake funny weather reports now for so long that I can't stand to look at my own face; I now have to cope with brushing my hair using the back of a spoon, or I start to feel sick. Life disgusts me, and so do all the people I know. Actually, the people I don't know disgust me more, so file that under irrelevant. "What's the weather going to be like, Sharon?" they ask me. Well, I spit on them and tell them it's gonna be wet. They punch me in the face and mock me for "not seeing it coming". You tell me: is that fair? Probably.

I hope you enjoy my funny spoof weather reports because they're about as funny as the weather is to forecast. Am I a fake? Oh hell yeah. But, in true satire ways, my fake weather forecasts are as likely to come true as a genuine weather forecasts. The trick, really, is to say that I'm going to be predicting today's weather, when the truth of it is that I can look outside and see generally whether it's going to be a nice day or a bad day. Then I ignore all of that and try to make you laugh instead.

Oh, and please note that we're not responsible for the actual weather outside, or inside. Or anywhere, really.

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