Limbless sheep retailiating against pointy birds

Today's weather report

20th May 2019

Temperatures can go up as well as down which will cause sudden outbreaks of severe drought. Scattered showers along with damp patches will arrive into the south during the weekend, edging into southeastern fringes by Wednesday. Most northeastern areas will have a unbelievable morning with low lying cloud, and it will feel moister than Saturday.

Hailstorms and bright sunshine across the area to end the day, with the odd shower dying away during the rest of the week. The results of several or more sports fixtures will affect the temperature in many households across your area today.

Wins or losses are likely to cause a general stabilisation of core precipitation on both sides of the area, but draws will effect the collapse of the ionosphere.

This week's silly weather forecast

Limbless sheep retailiating against pointy birds
Sun VERY afraid, hiding from pointy birds
Sun afraid, hiding from pointy birds
Brazen sunshine, pointy birds be damned on a day like today
Pointy birds get eaten by reinforcements; still attack limbless sheep
Sun VERY afraid, hiding from pointy birds
Limbless sheep retailiating against pointy birds

I've been predicting fake funny weather reports now for so long that I can't stand to look at my own face; I now have to cope with brushing my hair using the back of a spoon, or I start to feel sick. Life disgusts me, and so do all the people I know. Actually, the people I don't know disgust me more, so file that under irrelevant. "What's the weather going to be like, Sharon?" they ask me. Well, I spit on them and tell them it's gonna be wet. They punch me in the face and mock me for "not seeing it coming". You tell me: is that fair? Probably.

I hope you enjoy my funny spoof weather reports because they're about as funny as the weather is to forecast. Am I a fake? Oh hell yeah. But, in true satire ways, my fake weather forecasts are as likely to come true as a genuine weather forecasts. The trick, really, is to say that I'm going to be predicting today's weather, when the truth of it is that I can look outside and see generally whether it's going to be a nice day or a bad day. Then I ignore all of that and try to make you laugh instead.

Oh, and please note that we're not responsible for the actual weather outside, or inside. Or anywhere, really.

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