Limbless sheep retailiating against pointy birds

Today's weather report

27th October 2020

Quite simply beyond the pale with light drizzle in the southwest. Isolated showers elsewhere. The likely scenario for dawn or some other short period we can't possibly predict suggests it has a good chance of being damp for the first half of the week, with the night deteriorating towards quite damp. Sunny spells along with damp patches will arrive into the west during,or within, some period between now and the distant future, edging into northern fringes by the next three weeks.

Light snow and light snow across the region to end the day, with hailstorms dying away during Sunday. Guarantees of weather are no guarantee of weather today, as moist air from the west mixes with cold air from the south and causes clash of the titans type scenes of devastation and mayhem.

In our six o'clock check on the weather, we'll be bringing you the latest on the effect that summer sport has on the weather cycle, and its long term impact on climate change.

This week's silly weather forecast

Limbless sheep retailiating against pointy birds
Pointy birds get eaten by reinforcements; still attack limbless sheep
Sun afraid, hiding from pointy birds
Limbless sheep being attacked by pointy birds
Pointy birds get eaten by reinforcements; still attack limbless sheep
Limbless sheep being attacked by pointy birds
Brazen sunshine, pointy birds be damned on a day like today

I've been predicting fake funny weather reports now for so long that I can't stand to look at my own face; I now have to cope with brushing my hair using the back of a spoon, or I start to feel sick. Life disgusts me, and so do all the people I know. Actually, the people I don't know disgust me more, so file that under irrelevant. "What's the weather going to be like, Sharon?" they ask me. Well, I spit on them and tell them it's gonna be wet. They punch me in the face and mock me for "not seeing it coming". You tell me: is that fair? Probably.

I hope you enjoy my funny spoof weather reports because they're about as funny as the weather is to forecast. Am I a fake? Oh hell yeah. But, in true satire ways, my fake weather forecasts are as likely to come true as a genuine weather forecasts. The trick, really, is to say that I'm going to be predicting today's weather, when the truth of it is that I can look outside and see generally whether it's going to be a nice day or a bad day. Then I ignore all of that and try to make you laugh instead.

Oh, and please note that we're not responsible for the actual weather outside, or inside. Or anywhere, really.

Given Time, by Paul London

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