A sheep with no limbs would taste as sweet...

Today's weather report

24th January 2017

For anyone addicted to caffeine, the future shows that the weather remains sensible. Scattered showers along with the odd shower will arrive into the north during the next three weeks, edging into eastern fringes by the rest of the week. Sunny spells will affect northwestern areas but there will also be damp patches or disturbing slivers of autumn, and any winds will stabilise.

Hail will appear in between meals today, and possibly inside as well as out.

If there are any plumbers in your area, we suggest that you put their numbers into speed dial.

This week's silly weather forecast

A sheep with no limbs would taste as sweet...
Limbless sheep being attacked by pointy birds
Brazen sunshine, pointy birds be damned on a day like today
Limbless sheep retailiating against pointy birds
Pointy birds get eaten by reinforcements; still attack limbless sheep
Limbless sheep retailiating against pointy birds
A sheep with no limbs would taste as sweet...

I've been predicting fake funny weather reports now for so long that I can't stand to look at my own face; I now have to cope with brushing my hair using the back of a spoon, or I start to feel sick. Life disgusts me, and so do all the people I know. Actually, the people I don't know disgust me more, so file that under irrelevant. "What's the weather going to be like, Sharon?" they ask me. Well, I spit on them and tell them it's gonna be wet. They punch me in the face and mock me for "not seeing it coming". You tell me: is that fair? Probably.

I hope you enjoy my funny spoof weather reports because they're about as funny as the weather is to forecast. Am I a fake? Oh hell yeah. But, in true satire ways, my fake weather forecasts are as likely to come true as a genuine weather forecasts. The trick, really, is to say that I'm going to be predicting today's weather, when the truth of it is that I can look outside and see generally whether it's going to be a nice day or a bad day. Then I ignore all of that and try to make you laugh instead.

Oh, and please note that we're not responsible for the actual weather outside, or inside. Or anywhere, really.

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