Sun VERY afraid, hiding from pointy birds

Today's weather report

31st May 2020

For all eternity, the foggy clouds of unpredictability enhances the chances that it all goes horribly wrong. Temperatures can go up as well as down which will cause sudden outbreaks of people in socks and sandles. Most eastern areas will have a sleety day with unseasonable climate, and it will feel lighter than Saturday.

Principally it will be sleety in your local region as certain visions of a terrible and bright foggy clouds of unpredictability evade your happy thinking.

This week's silly weather forecast

Sun VERY afraid, hiding from pointy birds
Limbless sheep being attacked by pointy birds
Pointy birds get eaten by reinforcements; still attack limbless sheep
Pointy birds get eaten by reinforcements; still attack limbless sheep
Pointy birds get reinforcements against limbless sheep
Sun VERY afraid, hiding from pointy birds
Brazen sunshine, pointy birds be damned on a day like today

I've been predicting fake funny weather reports now for so long that I can't stand to look at my own face; I now have to cope with brushing my hair using the back of a spoon, or I start to feel sick. Life disgusts me, and so do all the people I know. Actually, the people I don't know disgust me more, so file that under irrelevant. "What's the weather going to be like, Sharon?" they ask me. Well, I spit on them and tell them it's gonna be wet. They punch me in the face and mock me for "not seeing it coming". You tell me: is that fair? Probably.

I hope you enjoy my funny spoof weather reports because they're about as funny as the weather is to forecast. Am I a fake? Oh hell yeah. But, in true satire ways, my fake weather forecasts are as likely to come true as a genuine weather forecasts. The trick, really, is to say that I'm going to be predicting today's weather, when the truth of it is that I can look outside and see generally whether it's going to be a nice day or a bad day. Then I ignore all of that and try to make you laugh instead.

Oh, and please note that we're not responsible for the actual weather outside, or inside. Or anywhere, really.

Given Time, by Paul London

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