Weather

Pointy birds get reinforcements against limbless sheep

Today's weather report

26th June 2017

The likely pattern for the rest of the week indicates it has a good chance of being damp for the day, with the day staying hailstormy. The report for today indicates it has a 10% chance of being unsettled, with chubby rain during the latter part of the current season. Bright spells will affect western areas but there will also be light snow or isolated showers, and any winds will decrease. Damp with foggy mist in the south.

Disturbing slivers of autumn elsewhere. Guarantees of weather are no guarantee of weather today, as moist air from the northwest mixes with bright and breezy air from the northeast and causes clash of the titans type scenes of devastation and mayhem.

In our six o'clock check on the weather, we'll be bringing you the latest on the effect that summer sport has on the weather cycle, and its long term impact on climate change.

This week's silly weather forecast

Pointy birds get reinforcements against limbless sheep
14°c
57.2°F
Mon
Sun VERY afraid, hiding from pointy birds
38°c
100.4°F
Tue
Sun VERY afraid, hiding from pointy birds
13°c
55.4°F
Wed
Limbless sheep retailiating against pointy birds
4°c
39.2°F
Thu
Pointy birds get eaten by reinforcements; still attack limbless sheep
22°c
71.6°F
Fri
Limbless sheep retailiating against pointy birds
-1°c
30.2°F
Sat
Limbless sheep being attacked by pointy birds
8°c
46.4°F
Sun



I've been predicting fake funny weather reports now for so long that I can't stand to look at my own face; I now have to cope with brushing my hair using the back of a spoon, or I start to feel sick. Life disgusts me, and so do all the people I know. Actually, the people I don't know disgust me more, so file that under irrelevant. "What's the weather going to be like, Sharon?" they ask me. Well, I spit on them and tell them it's gonna be wet. They punch me in the face and mock me for "not seeing it coming". You tell me: is that fair? Probably.

I hope you enjoy my funny spoof weather reports because they're about as funny as the weather is to forecast. Am I a fake? Oh hell yeah. But, in true satire ways, my fake weather forecasts are as likely to come true as a genuine weather forecasts. The trick, really, is to say that I'm going to be predicting today's weather, when the truth of it is that I can look outside and see generally whether it's going to be a nice day or a bad day. Then I ignore all of that and try to make you laugh instead.

Oh, and please note that we're not responsible for the actual weather outside, or inside. Or anywhere, really.

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