Sun afraid, hiding from pointy birds

Today's weather report

24th January 2020

Temperatures will vary which can cause sudden outbreaks of sleeveless tops. Foggy mist will affect southern areas but there will also be damp patches or foggy mist, and any precipitation will drop sharply. Isolated showers and bright sunshine across the area to end the day, with sunny spells dying away during the next three weeks. Dry with the odd shower in the southeast. Light drizzle elsewhere.

Most southern areas will have a the ironic day with horrendous winds, and it will feel damper than Sunday. Determining whether the car needs washing May affect your chances of precipitation today, as will the possiblity of your barbequeing. It's not that weather is tied into fate, or the world of irony, but rather that the collective perspiration of everyone concerned with their car-washing or barbeque being affected by the weather, actually affects the weather. It must be true because I read it on the internet somewhere. Here, in fact.

Right now.

This week's silly weather forecast

Sun afraid, hiding from pointy birds
Limbless sheep being attacked by pointy birds
Limbless sheep retailiating against pointy birds
Limbless sheep retailiating against pointy birds
Limbless sheep being attacked by pointy birds
A sheep with no limbs would taste as sweet...
Limbless sheep retailiating against pointy birds

I've been predicting fake funny weather reports now for so long that I can't stand to look at my own face; I now have to cope with brushing my hair using the back of a spoon, or I start to feel sick. Life disgusts me, and so do all the people I know. Actually, the people I don't know disgust me more, so file that under irrelevant. "What's the weather going to be like, Sharon?" they ask me. Well, I spit on them and tell them it's gonna be wet. They punch me in the face and mock me for "not seeing it coming". You tell me: is that fair? Probably.

I hope you enjoy my funny spoof weather reports because they're about as funny as the weather is to forecast. Am I a fake? Oh hell yeah. But, in true satire ways, my fake weather forecasts are as likely to come true as a genuine weather forecasts. The trick, really, is to say that I'm going to be predicting today's weather, when the truth of it is that I can look outside and see generally whether it's going to be a nice day or a bad day. Then I ignore all of that and try to make you laugh instead.

Oh, and please note that we're not responsible for the actual weather outside, or inside. Or anywhere, really.

Given Time, by Paul London

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