Weather

Sun afraid, hiding from pointy birds

Today's weather report

29th April 2017

Damp patches along with light drizzle will arrive into the northeast during the next three weeks, edging into northwestern fringes by the next three weeks. The odd shower and the odd shower across the area to end the day, with bright sunshine dying away during the rest of the week. Most southern areas will have a foggy night with horrendous winds, and it will feel lighter than Monday.

Sleet will appear in between meals today, and possibly inside as well as out.

If there are any plumbers in your area, we suggest that you put their numbers into speed dial.

This week's silly weather forecast

Sun afraid, hiding from pointy birds
39°c
102.2°F
Sat
Pointy birds get eaten by reinforcements; still attack limbless sheep
45°c
113°F
Sun
Pointy birds get reinforcements against limbless sheep
4°c
39.2°F
Mon
Pointy birds get reinforcements against limbless sheep
41°c
105.8°F
Tue
Pointy birds get reinforcements against limbless sheep
24°c
75.2°F
Wed
Limbless sheep being attacked by pointy birds
7°c
44.6°F
Thu
Limbless sheep retailiating against pointy birds
5°c
41°F
Fri



I've been predicting fake funny weather reports now for so long that I can't stand to look at my own face; I now have to cope with brushing my hair using the back of a spoon, or I start to feel sick. Life disgusts me, and so do all the people I know. Actually, the people I don't know disgust me more, so file that under irrelevant. "What's the weather going to be like, Sharon?" they ask me. Well, I spit on them and tell them it's gonna be wet. They punch me in the face and mock me for "not seeing it coming". You tell me: is that fair? Probably.

I hope you enjoy my funny spoof weather reports because they're about as funny as the weather is to forecast. Am I a fake? Oh hell yeah. But, in true satire ways, my fake weather forecasts are as likely to come true as a genuine weather forecasts. The trick, really, is to say that I'm going to be predicting today's weather, when the truth of it is that I can look outside and see generally whether it's going to be a nice day or a bad day. Then I ignore all of that and try to make you laugh instead.

Oh, and please note that we're not responsible for the actual weather outside, or inside. Or anywhere, really.

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