Weather

Sun VERY afraid, hiding from pointy birds

Today's weather report

13th December 2019

Disturbing slivers of autumn will affect northern areas but there will also be unseasonable climate or some sunshine, and any precipitation will decrease. For those looking to go out and about later on in the day, the prognostication enhances the chances that everything worsens over time. The forecast for today indicates it has a 10% chance of being dark, with damp patches during the current season.

Most western areas will have a the ironic second half of the week with low lying cloud, and it will feel fresher than Thursday. It'll be decadent and/or wholly unsuitable in every way for much of today, with occasional and sometimes eternal heavy or light sunshine.

Thunderstorms are not expected in your region, although people are being warned to be careful in case this changes, the chances of which are undetermined.

This week's silly weather forecast

Sun VERY afraid, hiding from pointy birds
-1°c
30.2°F
Fri
Limbless sheep being attacked by pointy birds
3°c
37.4°F
Sat
Brazen sunshine, pointy birds be damned on a day like today
5°c
41°F
Sun
Sun afraid, hiding from pointy birds
23°c
73.4°F
Mon
Sun afraid, hiding from pointy birds
-7°c
19.4°F
Tue
Pointy birds get eaten by reinforcements; still attack limbless sheep
23°c
73.4°F
Wed
A sheep with no limbs would taste as sweet...
28°c
82.4°F
Thu



I've been predicting fake funny weather reports now for so long that I can't stand to look at my own face; I now have to cope with brushing my hair using the back of a spoon, or I start to feel sick. Life disgusts me, and so do all the people I know. Actually, the people I don't know disgust me more, so file that under irrelevant. "What's the weather going to be like, Sharon?" they ask me. Well, I spit on them and tell them it's gonna be wet. They punch me in the face and mock me for "not seeing it coming". You tell me: is that fair? Probably.

I hope you enjoy my funny spoof weather reports because they're about as funny as the weather is to forecast. Am I a fake? Oh hell yeah. But, in true satire ways, my fake weather forecasts are as likely to come true as a genuine weather forecasts. The trick, really, is to say that I'm going to be predicting today's weather, when the truth of it is that I can look outside and see generally whether it's going to be a nice day or a bad day. Then I ignore all of that and try to make you laugh instead.

Oh, and please note that we're not responsible for the actual weather outside, or inside. Or anywhere, really.

Given Time, by Paul London

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