Weather

Brazen sunshine, pointy birds be damned on a day like today

Today's weather report

22nd August 2017

For all eternity, the likely trend indicates the weather remains sensible. Most northwestern areas will have a damp day with damp patches, and it will feel colder than Thursday. Sunny spells along with some sunny intervals will arrive into the northeast during the rest of the week, edging into southern fringes by the rest of the week.

Hailstorms will affect northwestern areas but there will also be chubby rain or light drizzle, and any temperatures will stabilise.

Principally it will be unbelievable in your local area as certain visions of a terrible and sleety outlook evade your happy thinking.

This week's silly weather forecast

Brazen sunshine, pointy birds be damned on a day like today
5°c
41°F
Tue
Limbless sheep being attacked by pointy birds
37°c
98.6°F
Wed
Pointy birds get eaten by reinforcements; still attack limbless sheep
-2°c
28.4°F
Thu
Pointy birds get eaten by reinforcements; still attack limbless sheep
7°c
44.6°F
Fri
A sheep with no limbs would taste as sweet...
15°c
59°F
Sat
A sheep with no limbs would taste as sweet...
24°c
75.2°F
Sun
Pointy birds get reinforcements against limbless sheep
4°c
39.2°F
Mon



I've been predicting fake funny weather reports now for so long that I can't stand to look at my own face; I now have to cope with brushing my hair using the back of a spoon, or I start to feel sick. Life disgusts me, and so do all the people I know. Actually, the people I don't know disgust me more, so file that under irrelevant. "What's the weather going to be like, Sharon?" they ask me. Well, I spit on them and tell them it's gonna be wet. They punch me in the face and mock me for "not seeing it coming". You tell me: is that fair? Probably.

I hope you enjoy my funny spoof weather reports because they're about as funny as the weather is to forecast. Am I a fake? Oh hell yeah. But, in true satire ways, my fake weather forecasts are as likely to come true as a genuine weather forecasts. The trick, really, is to say that I'm going to be predicting today's weather, when the truth of it is that I can look outside and see generally whether it's going to be a nice day or a bad day. Then I ignore all of that and try to make you laugh instead.

Oh, and please note that we're not responsible for the actual weather outside, or inside. Or anywhere, really.

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