Sun afraid, hiding from pointy birds

Today's weather report

18th July 2018

Chubby rain will affect western areas but there will also be scattered showers or light snow, and any snowfall will decrease. Disturbing slivers of autumn along with foggy mist will arrive into the northwest during,or within, some period between now and the distant future, edging into eastern fringes by tomorrow. For anyone addicted to caffeine, the foggy clouds of unpredictability enhances the chances that the weather remains sensible.

The foggy clouds of unpredictability for dawn or some other short period we can't possibly predict suggests it has a good chance of being decadent for the first half of the week, with the evening deteriorating towards damp. The results of several or more sports fixtures can affect the temperature in many households across your area today.

Wins or losses are likely to cause a general stabilisation of core snowfall on both sides of the area, but draws can effect the collapse of the ionosphere.

This week's silly weather forecast

Sun afraid, hiding from pointy birds
Limbless sheep retailiating against pointy birds
Brazen sunshine, pointy birds be damned on a day like today
Sun VERY afraid, hiding from pointy birds
Limbless sheep being attacked by pointy birds
Brazen sunshine, pointy birds be damned on a day like today
A sheep with no limbs would taste as sweet...

I've been predicting fake funny weather reports now for so long that I can't stand to look at my own face; I now have to cope with brushing my hair using the back of a spoon, or I start to feel sick. Life disgusts me, and so do all the people I know. Actually, the people I don't know disgust me more, so file that under irrelevant. "What's the weather going to be like, Sharon?" they ask me. Well, I spit on them and tell them it's gonna be wet. They punch me in the face and mock me for "not seeing it coming". You tell me: is that fair? Probably.

I hope you enjoy my funny spoof weather reports because they're about as funny as the weather is to forecast. Am I a fake? Oh hell yeah. But, in true satire ways, my fake weather forecasts are as likely to come true as a genuine weather forecasts. The trick, really, is to say that I'm going to be predicting today's weather, when the truth of it is that I can look outside and see generally whether it's going to be a nice day or a bad day. Then I ignore all of that and try to make you laugh instead.

Oh, and please note that we're not responsible for the actual weather outside, or inside. Or anywhere, really.

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