Weather

Limbless sheep being attacked by pointy birds

Today's weather report

22nd October 2017

Phenomenally hot with sunny spells in the west. Sunny spells elsewhere. For anyone addicted to caffeine, the future shows that it all goes horribly wrong. Most eastern areas will have a phenomenally hot second half of the week with horrendous winds, and it will feel warmer than Monday.

Temperatures vary between the lowest and the highest which will cause sudden outbreaks of hilarity. The results of several or more sports fixtures will affect the temperature in many households across your area today.

Wins or losses are likely to cause a general stabilisation of core winds on both sides of the area, but draws can effect the collapse of the ionosphere.

This week's silly weather forecast

Limbless sheep being attacked by pointy birds
-5°c
23°F
Sun
Sun VERY afraid, hiding from pointy birds
19°c
66.2°F
Mon
Limbless sheep retailiating against pointy birds
12°c
53.6°F
Tue
Pointy birds get eaten by reinforcements; still attack limbless sheep
-8°c
17.6°F
Wed
A sheep with no limbs would taste as sweet...
-1°c
30.2°F
Thu
Sun VERY afraid, hiding from pointy birds
29°c
84.2°F
Fri
Limbless sheep retailiating against pointy birds
2°c
35.6°F
Sat



I've been predicting fake funny weather reports now for so long that I can't stand to look at my own face; I now have to cope with brushing my hair using the back of a spoon, or I start to feel sick. Life disgusts me, and so do all the people I know. Actually, the people I don't know disgust me more, so file that under irrelevant. "What's the weather going to be like, Sharon?" they ask me. Well, I spit on them and tell them it's gonna be wet. They punch me in the face and mock me for "not seeing it coming". You tell me: is that fair? Probably.

I hope you enjoy my funny spoof weather reports because they're about as funny as the weather is to forecast. Am I a fake? Oh hell yeah. But, in true satire ways, my fake weather forecasts are as likely to come true as a genuine weather forecasts. The trick, really, is to say that I'm going to be predicting today's weather, when the truth of it is that I can look outside and see generally whether it's going to be a nice day or a bad day. Then I ignore all of that and try to make you laugh instead.

Oh, and please note that we're not responsible for the actual weather outside, or inside. Or anywhere, really.

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