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Rishi Sunak Saves the Day: Millionaire PM Spreads Generosity to Struggling Brits, Insists He's Definitely Not to Blame for Their Financial Woes!
Coming up on the spoof TV schedule:
New weight loss and swimming show; poolside antics likely to include cannonballing.
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Horoscopes
Aries
Today you will find that your favourite attribute in a person is their ability to tell you how fantastic you are.Taurus
You can't hide from the rest of the day, so I suggest you burst headlong into it without waiting for anyone to catch...Gemini
Your lucky goat name for today is: Penelope. This horoscope is brought to you in association with your upcoming incredibly...Cancer
Take care when opening up an email from a friend today as you may not enjoy the electronic content inside. Dancing...Leo
Damage caused by rage might cost you around £250 this weekend. Avoid posh bars. Going "wild" does not necessarily...Virgo
You may feel like today has started like a horror story, but it will get better this lunchtime. The scars left on...Libra
Tantalising new evidence that you're about to have fun is going to reveal itself today. My gift to you is this wisdom:Scorpio
The re-animation of dead tissue may become an issue for you later this month. Rotten food can be an unhealthy way...Sagittarius
What you hear and what was said may differ today, so be aware of either your failing hearing or your increasing hatred...Capricorn
When you put your mind to it, you can be one hell of a person. Go get 'em! The night may feel like a safe time to...
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