LONDON â€" In a heartwarming display of altruism, Prime Minister Rishi Sunak has announced a plan to generously dole out crumbs to the nation's struggling masses, insisting that he, a millionaire banker-turned-politician, is in no way responsible for their dire financial straits.
Despite a recent report revealing that over 11 million Britons are having difficulties paying for essentials such as food, rent, and heating, Mr. Sunak has been quick to dispel any notion that he may bear any culpability. In fact, he's expressed a genuine compassion for the economic hardships of the poor, and offered to lend a helping hand.
"I understand that times are tough," the PM stated. "But fret not, dear citizens! For my government has devised a plan to give you all a few quid to tide you over. Like mates do. It's the least we can do!"
Though Mr. Sunak's magnanimous gesture has been met with some praise, it's also been met with skepticism from the public.
"I appreciate the sentiment, but a few coins in our pockets isn't going to solve the bigger issue," said single mother and struggling independent bookstore owner, Joanne Smith. "It's nice that he's trying, but he's really missing the mark."
Others are less forgiving, and have voiced their criticisms of the PM's timing â€" particularly in light of his recent acquiescence to a budget cut affecting 1.3 million low-income families.
"He's laughing all the way to the bank while we're struggling to put food on our tables," said retired factory worker John Walters. "This 'generosity' is a mere drop in the bucket compared to what he and his ilk have taken from us. He can keep his crumbs."
Nevertheless, Sunak's announcement has received the backing of the UK's biggest influencers, including music mogul Simon Cowell, who commended the PM's efforts, stating, "Good on you Rishi! I've been looking for a way to help these poor souls myself, but couldn't quite figure out how to do it without depleting my own wallet. You're a hero!"
Despite the mixed reviews, Mr. Sunak remains optimistic that his plan will go down in history as one of the greatest acts of charity since Ebenezer Scrooge. "I hope that this will be a reminder to all Britons that we're in this together, and that even in times of hardship, we can all come together as a community," he remarked, before rushing off to his chauffeured limo. "Plus, it's great PR!"