US News Business Sci / Tech

Facebook Announces New Data Policy: No More Snooping, Just Mind-Reading

story image about facebook and Facebook Announces
Report story

In a shocking announcement, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg declared that the social media giant will no longer be storing any data about its users. But before you breathe a sigh of relief, the catch is that Facebook will instead start collecting all your thoughts and emotions.

"We've realized that people don't want us to track their every move and steal their personal information," Zuckerberg said in a press conference. "So instead, we're going to read their minds. It's much more efficient and saves us a lot of storage space."

The news was received with mixed reactions from the public, many of whom were unsure how they felt about having their innermost thoughts exposed to a company that's notorious for its lack of privacy.

"I don't know about this, man," said one Facebook user, who wished to remain anonymous. "I mean, don't get me wrong, I love Facebook. But do I really want them to know every time I think about pizza or my ex-boyfriend?"

Meanwhile, experts are speculating about the potential implications of Facebook's new policy. Some are worried that the company could use this mind-reading technology for nefarious purposes, such as targeted advertising or even mind control.

But Zuckerberg brushed off those concerns, insisting that Facebook's only goal is to create a more personalized experience for its users.

"We just want to give you exactly what you want, before you even know you want it," he said, flashing his signature smile. "After all, isn't that what Facebook is all about?"

Critics are already pointing out the irony of Facebook's new policy, which seems to contradict the company's previous stance on privacy. But Zuckerberg is staying optimistic, assuring everyone that Facebook's mind-reading technology is completely safe and secure.

"Just think of it as a new way to connect with your friends and family," he said. "And as always, your privacy is our top priority."

As the world waits to see how this new policy will play out, one thing is for sure: Facebook will continue to be the most popular platform for oversharing and petty arguments.

"Can't wait for Facebook to know all my deep, dark secrets," said another user, sarcastically. "Because who needs therapy when you have Mark Zuckerberg?"





The funny news item you've just read is FICTITIOUS. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof.

Headlines like this

thumbnail for item X-Factor 2014

Shocking UK X-Factor News

UK News Entertainment 2

Popular singing contest The X-Factor returns to TV screens this weekend, and along with it the usual pot-of-tricks that has made Simon Cowell the guru of modern-day reality viewing.

read more
10 years ago
thumbnail for item Facebook meltdown

Facebook downtime causes worldwide tantrums; tsunami

World Sci / Tech 0

Popular social networking website Facebook has today caused a technological meltdown with repercussions quite literally felt across the world. The tech giant suffered an outage...

read more
10 years ago

Comments

This content hasn't made people froth at the mouth with comments yet. Why not be the first to add one?

To add a comment you must first sign up and login.


Cancer horoscope

The tension between you and a co-worker may ease today as you suddenly realise you have other stronger ties. Looking......

Full horoscope

More from Laughsend

thumbnail for Celine Dion news story Titanic Wreck Scanned, Celine Dion Weeps With Envy thumbnail for Bush news story George W Bush to Take Over as the New Host of The Price is Right and Finally Find the Weapons of Mass Destruction
Funny RSS feed