Popular singing contest The X-Factor returns to TV screens this weekend, and along with it the usual pot-of-tricks that has made Simon Cowell the guru of modern-day reality viewing. Along with the now-common sights of incredibly ugly, potentally very hairy, and astoundingly low-brow cast of judges, the show is likely to also contain some horrific singers. However, the real shock of the show is going to be revealed this weekend.
"It's a real humdinger of an X-Factor 2014 shock this time round," said production designer Flo Roberts. "We've taken into account some of the criticism from previous series: so this time there are going to be way more wild animals on set, and the gob-smacking lack of adverts every 90 seconds or so has been rectified so they're more regular. To be fair - there's also hardly any visiblity of the fire-drills we all train for 18 hours a day, so we've done something to rectify that situation, too. But there's more to come..."
Twitter and Facebook are agog with rumours that half of the contestant stock is either on day-release, or are singers from failed 80s pop and rock bands. One rumour that seems strongest has apparently come from one of the new series' contestants, a Sylvia Springer, whose profile suggests that she is related to Dermot O'Really.
"Dermot is a close and personal friend of mine. So close and personal in fact, that a bit of his DNA is currently in my stomach."
X-Factor 2014 is coming your way this Saturday with a 4 hour special, with judges Simon Cowell, Mel B Spice, Cheryl Cole and Louis Ferrigno. Watch out for the shocks!