X-Factor bomb hoax cancels first episode

Popular talent show X-Factor, due to start its seventieth season this evening, has been cancelled amidst earlier reports of a bomb threat. The reports have now been cleared up and the police are stating that the "threat" was actually a hoax, and - worse than that - a simple misunderstanding. It is now believed that Simon Cowell, the show's head guru person, was overheard saying that someone would be "fired" if tonight's episode didn't get top billing in the ratings, and that he was "ready to go off" for a burger.

"It's a simple misunderstanding," said Police Chief Brody of New Scotland Yard. "A man was overheard using common vernacular, and a concerned member of the public called it in as a bomb threat. That the person who called in the threat was old, white and Christian, cannot be confirmed or denied. Nor can any rumours that the person was a bigger fan of Strictly Come Dancing."

Although live shows do not being on the X-Factor for several months, the show's producers nonetheless though it wiser to cancel the showing of the pre-recorded audition rounds that were due for showing this evening. However, some fans on Twitter and Facebook have suggested that the cancellation is a ruse of sorts, and that the showing will go ahead as planned - the suggestion being that the cancellation is the true hoax, and one that is intended to raise viewing figures.

"It's quite clever," said one analyst. "By saying it's being cancelled, all those who would never watch anything as plebian as the X-Factor show, will instead tune in to see what the replacement is. Then, like so much fine white powder, they'll be hooked and watch it to its inevitable Christmas final. Genuis, really."

The X-Factor final is due in the first week or two before Christmas, culminating in a shot as Christmas No. 1 single-although there will naturally be many mean-spirited attempts to undermine the contestant's success.