Facebook downtime causes worldwide tantrums; tsunami

Popular social networking website Facebook has today caused a technological meltdown with repercussions quite literally felt across the world. The tech giant suffered an outage at approximate 2am EST and lasted for around 12 seconds. In this time the internet-equivalent of caller switchboards lit up in a frenzy, causing updates to defcon levels, and the initialisation of extra power stations to cope with the number of impatient kettles being put on to boil.

Kim Clicker, tween Facebook devotee, explained how the disturbance affected her.

"Well, I know it was late at night, and I was asleep, but still I was outraged that had I wanted to I couldn't inform people of my daily routine. I mean, what if I'd finished listening to a song and wanted to tell people what the lyrics had truly meant to me?"

Presumably, it would have been truly devastating. While defcon levels were eventually dropped much later that day, science estimates that the jumping up and down of tantrumming folk could have quite literally shaken the world. The likely outcome, according to these scientists, or "crackpots" as some Christian groups have labelled them, would be volcanoes and tsunamis.

Facebook have declined to comment on the outage, though some have speculated that it was in fact a problem with complainants ISPs being the responsible culprits, and not the tech giant themselves.