Cancer
Birth date: 22 June - 22 JulyThe following is your Cancer horoscope for today, and we hope you enjoy reading our funny attempt at astrology.
Take care when opening up an email from a friend today as you may not enjoy the electronic content inside. Avoiding the cracks on pavements can seem like a fun game, and probably is. Your ability to play this game may be affected by one or more broken legs.
The lights are on, nobody's home and it's time to download some porn off the internet.
The countries that have issued orders for your arrest will close in today and cause you to go without clean pants for two days.
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