Your free, funny Cancer horoscope for today

Your brother is heavy, no matter what you hear on the radio today. Unruly behaviour by your closest friends can be solved using cake-forks. The Americanisation of many words often gets you angry. However, don't get upset about such trivial things - it is evolution of a sort and doesn't actually affect you in the slightest. Color center.

With every passing moment you are pissing away your life reading nonsense on websites. In many ways you should really go now, but instead you're fascination by this crazy online world of surreal shenanigans. Oooh like, there's a little birdie!...oh no, sorry, it's an email. What's prettier, eh? You silly online surfing human person!

Interested to know if Yesterday's Horoscope was correct?