The BBC denied today that the reason they fired Jeremy Clarkson, presenter of the world famous, Top Gear, car show program, is because he refused to sexually abuse children. An anonymous spokesperson for the BBC said in a statement, "The BBC has a vast array of sexual abusers working for them. The idea that we would need any more to join the ranks of our talented paedophiles is, ludicrous."
Tony and Julie Wadsworth, the latest BBC employees to be charged over abusing little boys, said that Clarkson did not have what it takes to be a BBC child abuser.
"Frankly," said Ms Wadsworth, allegedly. "Clarkson failed to attend any of the courses on child abusing at the BBC and refused to read any of the guidelines authored by the late Jimmy Saville. It is clear that he never was child abuser material and the BBC would never consider him to be in our league. The allegations that he was sacked for something he was unqualified to do are ridiculous. In any case, he is not as gay as James May and that means young boys would be safe around him. To suggest otherwise would be homophobic.”
Roger D'eath D'bonar-D'pink, occasional Daily Politics presenter and presenter of the new BBC show, 'Pole Dancing For Juniors,' spoke to us today by telephone from the set of his show in the grounds of the Ross Barton Home for Wayward Children.
"I know Jeremy Clarkson very well and I am afraid that he is just not interested in Children. I mean, he works with Richard Hammond and as far as I know, he has never interfered with him."
Mr D'bonar-D'pink makes a very powerful point. Although Mr Richard Hammond is in his early forties, he does frequently dress like a little boy and style his hair like a faintly ridiculous teenager. All qualities one would come to expect in a traditional male paedophile victim. At night, in a darkened children's home dormitory, it would be easy to mistake him for a thirteen year old. Especially if he was talking. Roger D'eath D'bonar-D'pink agrees.
"Well, if he was talking in the dark he would be asking for it for with that voice. Especially if he was in bed at the time and wearing that girls necklace around his slim neck. You know the one I mean, don't you? Wore it all the time in his earlier TV appearances until a couple of years ago. I mean, that would be quite provocative and I think even I could go for him then."
We finally caught up with Mr Jeremy Clarkson at a speech he was giving for the Society for Bewildered Ex Stasi in London's, Fabian Offices. We asked him if there was any truth in the rumour that the BBC had sacked him for refusing to be a paedophile and not, as was reported at the time, for bashing a dinner denier.
"Fuck off!" said Mr Clarkson, adding, "I'm loaded. You don't get loaded at the BBC by fiddling with kids unless your name is Savile and everyone you around is frightened, deaf, blind, stupid or involved."
Mr Clarkson confirmed that there is still quite a large paedophile contingent within the BBC but said that as most of them were also Masons there was not much that could be done to weed them out.
"They play a lot of golf with chief constables, judges and magistrates." Mr Clarkson said. "Anyway, they would not want me in their kiddy licking clubs. They tend to drive awful people carriers-useful for grabbing more children on the school run-and I would show up in a Bugatti Veyron. Far too big and noisy. It would give the game away and there is no space in the boot for a shovel for when the fun is over and the evening is drawing in. Let's face it, no Veyron owner is going to want a kid leaking seminal fluid on the back seat. It could ruin the leather.
"You need a Land Rover with tinted windows for taking unconscious kids wrapped in carpet to the woods. Something that says, 'I'm tough. I'm capable. I can handle the rugged countryside, a bummed boy and the BBC Blue Peter crew."
Oisin Tymon, the producer Clarkson punched, has denied any involvement in starting the rumour that Clarkson was fired for refusing to be a paedophile. "I'm just a lazy Irish cunt," he said. "Starting rumours would be too much like work. Sorry, I can't stop to chat some more but I am off to a hotel for some steak."