Have you ever noticed... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is. Ellen DeGeneris
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. Carol Leifer
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you're off it. Jackie Gleason
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries. " The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that? "Jay Leno
If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight. George Gobel
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. Billiam Coronel
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. Oscar Wilde
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. Dave Barry
On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"
Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself Mark Twain
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