Ministerial Candidates

The following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for a ministry position.

ADAM

Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how he and his wife enjoy walking nude in the woods.

JESUS

Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's single. Has a messiah complex.

NOAH

Prone to unrealistic building projects.

ABRAHAM

Though the reference reported wife swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife.

JOSEPH

A big thinker but a braggart. Believes in dream interpreting, and has a prison record. Had been accused of adultery.

MOSES

A modest and meek man but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly.

JOB

Complains a lot.

DAVID

The most promising leader of all until we discovered his affair with his neighbour's wife. His kids are out of control. Worse yet, he's a proponent of instrumental music in worship.

SOLOMON

Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives. Good with building projects though. Rather extravagant.

ELIJAH

Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure. Spends too much time in wilderness. Loner. No wife that we know of.

SAMSON

Hair is too long.

JONAH

Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. Known to pout when things don't go his way. We hung up.

MELCHIZEDEK

Great credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date.

JOHN

Says he's a Baptist but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept outdoors for months on end. Has a weird diet. Provokes denominational leaders. Is too social and political minded. Offends politicians and is

known to lose his head on occasion.

PETER

Too blue collar. Has a bad temper. Has even been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon. Probably speaks in tongues. Claims to have visions.

PAUL

Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night. Controversial on women's issues. Admits to speaking in tongues. Has recommended young men to drink wine. Little chance that he will ever marry.

TIMOTHY

Too young.

METHUSELAH

Too old. WAY too old.

JUDAS

His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative and pragmatic. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.