Staff Notice About Toilet Habits

Staff Notice With Immediate Effect

A new toilet policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for staff, ensuring effective time management and equal treatment for all.

• On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 20 toilet trip credits which may be accumulated.
• The doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer-linked voice recognition devices.
• Staff must immediately provide management with two voiceprints, one normal and one under stress.
• Once the employee's toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will not unlock for the employee's voice until the first of the month.
• In addition, all cubicles are to be equipped with timed paper-roll extractors.
• If the toilet is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound.
• Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the door will open automatically.
• If the toilet remains occupied, your photograph will be taken by a security camera and will appear on the Toilet Offenders Board.
• Anyone appearing three times will forfeit three months toilet trip credits.
• Anyone caught smiling when the photograph is taken will undergo counseling by a clinical psychologist.
• Be advised that workmen's compensation insurance does not cover any injuries incurred while trying to stop the toilet paper retracting into the dispenser.

MANAGEMENT