- "Vote for me or I'll slash your tires."
- "Forget universal health care I'm buying every American an XBox."
- "In a crisis I ask myself, What would Tony Danza do?"
- "I'd give you my plan for economic recovery if I wasn't rip stinkin drunk"
- "If your last name begins with M through Z sorry your taxes are doubling"
- "We're gonna cut the deficit by selling North Dakota to Canada"
- "I have tons of experience from being president of the Burt Reynolds fan club"
- "Lady, that is one ugl." baby"
- "When I'm president, I'm putting Regis on Mt. Rushmore"
- "Read my lips: no new wardrobe malfunctions"
american jokes made to make me laugh