U.s. Government Employee Performance Evaluations

Image for Joke: U.s. Government Employee Performance Evaluations government jokes made to make me laugh

These useful quotes are from "actual" U.S. government employee performance evaluations (the actual is in quotation marks because I sincerely doubt that any of these 'actual' or 'true' things are actually true or actual in any way whatsoever).

  1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig
  2. I would not allow this employee to breed
  3. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won't-be
  4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap
  5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet
  6. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle
  7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy
  8. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them
  9. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot
  10. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better
  11. Got a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together
  12. A gross ignoramus 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus
  13. He does not have ulcers, but he is a carrier
  14. I would like to go hunting with him sometime
  15. He has been working with glue too much
  16. He would argue with a signpost
  17. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room
  18. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell
  19. If you see two people talking, and one looks bored, he is the other one
  20. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on
  21. A prime candidate for natural de-selection
  22. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it
  23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train is not coming
  24. Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it
  25. If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week
  26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change
  27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean
  28. It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm
  29. One neuron short of a synapse
  30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled
  31. Takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes
  32. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead

These jokes are all in the public domain. Please Respect Copyright Laws.

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