Bishop's Ping pongs over noxious nicknames.

"Enough of these racial slurs!" cries affronted bishop.

By an anonymous Dago who doesn't want anyone to know his name because he has been severely traumatised by people calling him obnoxious names and making un-called-for remarks about his height, weight and prosthetic devices - not to mention unsolicited advice about where he might profitably accommodate these prostheses, though we both agree that we couldn't possibly get all of them up there, though it might be fun trying.

Findochty, Tues. The Bishop of the Middle Hebrides, the Rt Rev'd Lee Wong Ping today issued a statement condemning racial slurs and "noxious nicknames".

"Ah've had enough of people calling me Bishop Chink or Right Rev Slope," said the bishop, who is convalescing after breaking his hand in a scuffle with Neo-Confucian sympathisers.

"Ah'll hae ye knoo Ah'm a Scot, borrn and brred. Aye, an Ah'm proud o't!" he continued.

Well known for his sometimes controversial outbursts, Bishop Ping took exception to a colleague's description of him as the "gentle Oriental who wouldn't hurt a lentil".

"It was the final strraw," he said. "These Honky Sassenach bishops should mind their own business. Stay abrroad. Or join their Nigger frriends in America."

Bishop Ping said it was a problem in the Episcopal Church especially.

"Ye don't hearr Ding bishops calling people names, do ye?" he asked.

When it was suggested that he might be a little humour-challenged, Bishop Ping responded, "Who'rre ye talkin aboot, mon? Come ootside and fight, Jimmy. We'll see whae's challenged then!"

Human rights groups and civil libertarians have rallied around Bishop Ping.

"You don't find the Frogs doing this sort of thing," said Velvet Transom, a spokesperson for CleanSpeak Pty Ltd, Inc. "Or Boongs in Australia, or Darkies and Kaffirs in Africa. It's just not on. We have a reputation, you know."

But the fight for nominal respect seems to have taken its toll on Bishop Ping.

Reports coming in from Urquhart Castle indicate that the embattled bishop is seriously considering changing his name by deed poll to one which more truly reflects his ethnic origins.

However, we were unable to confirm whether Bishop Ping was tossing around the idea of changing his name to Rob Roy MacLee, as he had reportedly suffered a severe asthma attack while playing his new bagpipes composition, Lament for Limey Losers.

Meanwhile, we'll keep you informed with up-to-the-minute updates if they occur to us. Remember - we have all the news that breaks!