Nigel "UKIP" Farage has today been told that he should be in no way considered a racist, by Michael Clemens, self-proclaimed Grand White Witch of white supremacist movement "We'll have your legs". Clemens, 43, told us that while Farage shares a number of views of those within his coven, the majority of its members would consider him very much the runt of the litter.
"Farage is a baby in a man's world," Clemens begun, while rolling up the sleeves of his glory suit. "He wouldn't know the difference between racism and name calling if he plucked it out the cotton field and strung it up himself. I suspect this is not his fault; likely he has some chinese genes or something in his past. To be truly racist you have to be 100% pure and free of any blood that we consider dirty. Oh, and also you have to be free on Tuesdays, because that's when we meet."
When asked to explain the ultimate origin of his own blood, Clemens became shifty and started reading the Cosmopolitan magazine we'd left on the table. After asking the question again, he sighed and continued:
"Well, I guess you could say that we're strictly looking for Anglo-Saxon blood. Though they in turn came from Germanic tribes that floated in from more continental Europe. And they, presumably all came from Africa at some point."
Mr Clemens broke down at this point, and we had a break. After that he returned along with the slight odour of gin, some interesting views, and tears in his eyes.
"You see, the problem is that we try to use very basic science to explain our hatred of other races. We suggest that genetically they're weaker, less worthy - a criminal mind inside murderer's bodies - that kind of thing. But genetically we know we all descend from the same starting point, which really upsets the applecart."
Farage is thus far said to be 'unmoved' by the claims that his racism is dulled by the comparitive feelings of others.