eBay to start selling babies

Popular online auction website, eBay, is set to launch a new website promoting the sale and purchase of human children, sometimes known as babies. The move has so far angered absolutely no people whatsoever, which in this journalist's experience is downright strange. The apparent discovery of a secret online portal by eBay user IF*ckedYourMom2006 under a hidden URL seems to confirm that the firm's marketing team is still toying with the launch of a baby trading service.

eBay, synonymous with the concept of offering perceived bargains that end up not being bargains at all, has suffered in recent years thanks to baffling decisions like taking a commission percentage out of postage charges. Such moves have irritated some sellers enough to move away from the portal, but concepts such as that in the headline would be an attempt by eBay to move into new, previously unexplored, markets. Jane Tajinsky told us:

"What we're trying to achieve here is making money for eBay and all its shareholders. We don't much care about sellers; we don't much care about buyers. So if we're really that nonchalant about everyone involved in our business, we thought: why not just start doing evil things?"

Evil things are, interestingly enough, one of the new categories that eBay will be launching on the website in current months. It seems likely that new eBay trading delights such as human organs, drugs, nunchucks, and heads in boxes, will soon be appearing in our "You may be interested in..." items.

Allegations that Amazon may soon join in the scrum to deliver babies (in a logistical, not midwifery sense) are unfounded (Amazon's lawyers forced us to say).