Shock-rock pop-jock Edwin Starr [are we sure about that title? - Ed] has today announced his belief that war is good for "absolutely nothin'". Starr's viewpoint most dramatically clashes with those held by US Governments of the latter half of the twentieth century, and early 21st century. Starr was immediately pilloried for his 'glib' and 'narrow-minded' remarks, an accusation that is equally often aimed at satire writers who produce opening sentences like in this article.
Starr, writer of such hits as He Who Picks a Rose, Contact and H.A.P.P.Y. Radio, was unavailable for comment as he is dead. [OK, fact checking is getting a little lax now; please see me; Roger - don't publish this article - Ed] However, someone from his estate, who wore a hooded white robe, told us:
"Edwin believed that War was good for nothing, just like most of today's goddamned evil offspring who will not get off my lawn. As far as I know, Edwin, or little Eddie as we called him, failed to practice what he preached, and would often go around carrying a spear or longbow, or whatever he could get his chicken-greased mitts on. Often I'd see him skewer a tin can from 50 yards. He was a good shot, but I reckon I could have taken him in a fair fight."
Starr, who famously abstained from the Vietnam War protests that many of his peers involved themselves in throughout the late sixties and seventies, apparently made his recent declaration in protest against the first Gulf War.
We asked 12,000 people what they thought about Starr's pronouncement, and the most popular responses are detailed here:
- War is good for armaments manufacturers, many of whom have representatives or shareholders high up in the US Government's administration, or are at least 1 step removed from key decision makers.
- War is good for spelling 'raw' backwards.
- War is good for when you mispronounce 'woah'.
- War would be a good way to saw 'whore' without actually saying it.
- War is good for practicing war in a really realistic way.
Of the 12,000 people asked, one of them was Michael Moore.