Cecil the lion denied place in heaven by Southern Baptist decree

The Southern Baptist church has caused untold controversy this week by declaring that Cecil "the" lion, the animal shot dead by US dentist Walter Palmer, will not be granted an automatic place in heaven. Cecil, 16, is said to be unmoved by the claim. Southern Baptist spokesperson Jeremy Biggins told us:

"The truth is that if Cecil was a good lion then he may have a place in heaven. If, on the other hand, he has been sodomising other lions, or praying to false Gods, then he will receive ultimate retribution from our divine and peaceful master."

Cecil's plight has not gone unnoticed, and #CecilGetToHeaven is currently trending on Twitter, where commenters are suggesting that if Cecil can't get to heaven, then perhaps it's worth boycotting the place in the first place.

"Im a devout Xtian", said one Tweet from user GodLovesMeAllOverMyFaceAndChin. "Ive burned the Koran, dun literally nothing on Sundays & Id still boycott heaven. #CecilGetToHeaven"

In reply to various incredulous tweets from friends and family, she responded:

"How? Well Id have to do something unchristian like hating my parents or spelling god with a lowercase g."

The great Burt Bacharach song "You'll never get to heaven (if you break my heart)" has been taken on as the official musical accompaniment to the fiasco.

Others have weighed in on the debate saying that it would set a very dangerous precedent for dangerous wildlife to be admitted to the Kingdom of Heaven. Many have pointed out that the Christians took a pretty big beating at the hands of lions during the Roman era, with some of the dead presumably having the bite marks to prove it. A Facebook page titled "No to dangerous wildlife in heaven!" has been set up to remind people that although Cecil might have been a pretty darned lovely lion, the thin end of the wedge principle means that soon the floodgates would open, and alligators, dinosaurs (Ed: are you sure about this bit?) and Tysons may be allowed.

For now, the debate rages on. Whether Walter Palmer ever saw this furore coming, and many say that he intended for all this to happen all along, it's certainly one of tens of thousands of unnecessary hunting deaths he'll never forget.