New Zealand Government to forbid the use of the term "kiwi" when referring to its nationals

The New Zealand Government is to bring a piece of legislation to parliament which would forbid the use of the term “kiwi” when referring to its nationals. Speaking at a press conference today in Wellington, Prime Minister of New Zealand Bill English had this to say regarding the impending change:

“The Cabinet met last night and decided that we needed to do something about how people continuously refer to us. I know that this is going to come as a big surprise to everyone but we decided that the name kiwi is really not how we want to be known. Personally I find that it is a bit derogatory. Just imagine that we are a country with the best rugby team in the world whose players instill fear in many opposing teams including our great rivals the Aussies. We have also been the most dominant team in the sport for some time and our women are the greatest netball team on earth. Even in cricket our men and women are very competitive and are quite difficult to beat.”

Prime Minister English went on:

“If we are so great and dominant in the aforementioned sports, then why is it that we continually refer to ourselves as a small harmless, flightless bird which can’t really intimidate anyone? Even a cat is a great danger to the kiwi. Is this really how we want the world to refer to us? Is this the type of pride that we citizens of New Zealand have in ourselves?”

He continued:

“Do Australians refer to themselves as emus? Do the French refer to themselves as roosters? Are Indians referred to as peacocks? So why are we kiwis? I honestly cannot stand this lack of pride that we have. So it is in the best interest of this nation that we the Government of New Zealand intend to bring a piece of legislation to parliament making it forbidden to refer to us the New Zealand people as kiwis and that the correct way to refer to us will be New Zealanders.”

Mr. English concluded:

“It is hoped that by dropping the name “kiwi” we would earn the respect of our Australian neighbours who are still licking their wounds from the comprehensive beating that our National Rugby team inflicted on them in the final of the 2015 Rugby World Cup.”

Get Weekly Funny Stuff in your Inbox