Comedy astrologer - Ermstrum

Looking for your horoscope? View Today's Horoscope

Greetings, Internet User. My name is Ermstrum, a not-doctor of Astrology, and I welcome you here for your horoscope reading. If you are looking for your stars then you may well become one of many thousands of people whose lives will have been changed by my prescience. You will be glad you came to read my work.

Who are you?

I am Ermstrum, horoscope maker and astrologer comedienne. My star sign is Aries but I really think of myself as more of a Leo.

How do come up with these horoscopes?

I channel wit through my brain stem from the very bottom of my spine, sucking up blood and brain juices until they distill in a small dish-like bone near my cerebellum. From there it's pretty much like tea-leaf reading, but I doctor the results a bit... the cerebellum osmotically induces the liquids and *poof!* I am prescient. My horoscope readings end up being naturally amusing because they are interpreted by my multiple personalities who cannot make sense of sense. I am not from the russel grant school of astrology - no, that guy is a true genius.

What do I know?

I know all! Well, I don't know all, naturally. But I know some. I hope to bring you informative and funny horoscopes wherever and whenever possible. If you need a laugh, I especially recommended signing up to get your daily horoscope because, and I have to admit this, some days they're really not very funny at all. So you might have visited today and said to yourself:

My horoscope wasn't funny!

I know! Sometimes the wit evades me and the spirits that invade my body don't help me. Sometimes (and you'll get a kick out of this) I have to consult the stars! It's usually when I do this that I get all morose and the horoscopes you get are kind of serious and poor. But stick with it! You will come across a gem at some point.

You're an idiot!

That's not what the stars tell me. In fact, they make it pretty darn plain that they think I'm an excellent addition to the astrological society. Perhaps you are pisces, eh? My fortune telling skills are un-matched for their ability to not come true - which is (as far as I'm aware) the very essence of astrology. My accuracy rating is about 0.06%, slightly above average for an astrologer. Some people say I'm a disgrace but the truth is that I'm just a snarky cynic. But don't get me wrong, I love horoscopes! And I love every star sign equal!

Are you for real?

Frequently. That is, I am a real person. Except when I'm a robot, which happens nightly. It's difficult to explain. If it helps you to understand then, no, I'm not for real. But if I'm not real, then who's sat in a white van across your street at this very moment?