Weight gain product company sued for product "not working"

A man who had wished to become a mall Santa for Christmas 2013 has today begun proceedings (ed: nice pleonastic tautology of the same words) against the firm whose product he hoped would 'bulk him right the hell up' for the job.

Arthur Stevens, real name Sandra Potts, was hoping to enhance his rather slender frame over the 6 months prior to December 2013, only to find that the body enhancing and bulking product he used had no significant effect on him.

"I ate like crazy - all the usual foods you'd want to eat in order to put on weight. But on top of that I made sure to eat gallons of this protein shake crap just to keep piling it on. But it just didn't do anything. I know it's a common staple of body-building humor that the stuff doesn't actually work, but I assumed it was just that - a joke. I never imagined that it really didn't work at all."

The protein bulk product, which cannot be named here for legal reasons, is owned by a company that we cannot name here for legal reasons. For legal reasons we can't comment on the comments they made, which cannot themselves be printed for legal reasons.

In the meantime, we're happy to report that Mr Stevens is now a jolly 412lbs after instead taking his desires to the local fast-food burger restaurant, which McDonalds cannot be Burger Kinged for legal Wendys.