"Bingo wings" fast-food industry saves dwindling food sector

Bingo Wings - the unsavoury arm flab, prevalent in those who have indulged in indolence and gluttony - are currently the champion of an otherwise stagnant food sector. The delicious white meat, named after the deliciously grotesque imagery of the bingo winner claiming their win and throwing their fatty upper arms into the air, is flying out of deep fat fryers at a rate that has astonished even those who have been in the sector longest, forcing long-term incumbents, such as McDonalds and Starbucks, to revisit their own menus. James Starburst, professor of chicanery at Laughingstock University, Texas, told us:

"The rate of growth is astonishing. McDonalds have today announced plans to introduce a 99c [99p] option to their menus, though we're currently unsure of the zippy name they're likely to give it."

And the reason for the popularity?

"They're intense in flavour. The flab that collects around the upper arm is a very delicious fat, the marbling around the bicep and tricep muscles leaves a very tender meat during cooking. In our experimentation, it is those who are most inactive who produce the very best meat."

Daniiiiiiiiiil Traytor, 36, told us how the new chain Bingo House persuaded her to part with her arms. She claimed that they first ensnared her with an advert on a website that claimed to be able to make her lose 20lbs almost instantly. As part of a wave of "Doctors hate us" campaign of advertising, Bingo House at one point could count on making up one quarter of all online advertising - a fact that has surely contributed to their excellent take-up rates.

"It was a great offer. Of course, at first they didn't say how they were going to make the weight loss. But soon it became clear that I was going to be donating my arms."

Traytor initially totally, like, demurred, but over the weeks decided that her needs for money were greater than any other, especially when Bingo House indicated that it would also lower her BMI. Along with further promises of an excellent meal when she came around from theater, she jumped at the chance to be part of the trend; surgery coming just four weeks after her initial consultation, and now she finds herself extremely pleased with her new frame.

"It's great - I literally feel lighter. They offered something they called a 'nip and tuck' at the same time, but my boyfriend told that it was really something called a 'lobotomy', which sounded much more complicated. Maybe next time. Giggle."