Shocking news for businesses today as the world realises that the ongoing global stock market crashes have no effect on normal people. The revelations, bewildering for most people involved in stock market trading, come as the NASDAQ, FTSE and Dow Jones have suffered extraordinary losses in just a few days. Ted Bramble, Forex trader, told us:
"All this talk about it not affecting so-called 'normal people' is just nonsense. Whether you like it or not, what I do day-to-day is actually saving you from moral corruption; from personal bankruptcy; from dying; and much, much more. Without traders the world would quite literally explode. Normal people might not like it, but I am essentially a God to them."
Bramble claims he speaks for every trader in the world, and we're going to believe him. Analyst Geri Springer furthered Bramble's claims, suggesting that while the crashes seem to have little-to-no relevance for most people that this is in fact a fallacy based on short-termism and myopia. Springer, whose book I own 12% of the President of the USA became a best-seller last week, says that anybody who cannot understand her position is stupid.
"You are stupid. There's no two ways about it - anyone who thinks that my brand of fundamentalist capitalism isn't the most important thing in the world is a complete moron. I won the last Presidential election, or at least my money did. I'll win the next one by the same means. You all owe people like myself and Ted Bramble a great deal. Muppets."
The apparent contempt of the financial world to those who work for a living, looks like it's not due to die down any time soon. What is guaranteed to come about in the near future, however, is a small recovery in the stock markets, which will cause Spring and Bramble to re-emerge from their computers to remind us all how fucking awesome they are.