Benedict Cumberbatch apologises for own name ahead of Oscars

British TV and film star Benedict Cumberbatch has today released a full and heartfelt apology for having a long, complicated, and thoroughly punnable name. Cumberbatch, an Elk and a Freemason, apparently felt the need to "clean his karmic orifice" before Oscar night, in the event that he wins.

"My name is needlessly complicated," said the star, in a written statement handed to Laughsend by a man in Georgian dress. "Not only do people continually forget what it is, but they fluff and stumble over it. On an occasion such as the Oscars it would be a deep embarrassment for all concerned if I were to win and some unfortunate chap or chapess would have to say it out loud. I am sorry"

The star also addresses the boundless humour that his name has generated during the period of his ever rising star.

"Since Sherlock really hit the bigtime I've noticed that it is an internet thing now to try to generate the most humourous version of my name. From the relatively safe bets of Britishname Complicated and Bernardo Kibblesticks, to the rather more effervescent Butternut Cuminsnatch and Ballyhoo Crackerslash. While I appreciate that these have been created with a somewhat twinkling eye, they are something I feel I must apologise for."

Cumberbatch has been nominated for a "Best Actor" Oscar for his role in the Alan Turing semi-biography The Imitation Game. The film, made on a shoestring budget of £47.58, tells the story of "Gay Alan", who was quite good with a jigsaw.