Joke writer sells soul to the devil

Rory Paxton was today said to be "in great spirits" after the first media-documented attempt to sell one's soul to the devil. Paxton, 34, lost his soul just yesterday after a week's worth of unrivalled documentary throughout the media, culminating in his showdown with the Red One.

Rory Paxton is a joke writer with 12 years experience and announced his attempt last week in a blaze (literally) of glory during the half time of a Manchester United football game. At the centre of the pitch, Mr Paxton had declared.

"I, Rory, will attempt to invoke the spirit and body of the devil himself and attempt to best him in a game of joking."

At this point, fireworks had been rigged to spark gently around Mr Paxton in a pagon symbol, but had instead set alight to his trousers. Once they had been removed, much the crowd's delight, Mr Paxton continued:

"I will attempt to out-joke the devil, with a few provisos:

No rude jokes. They have to be clean enough to tell to your grandma.
No racist jokes. We're already offending the Christians, let's keep as many on side as we can.
No cheating by using those daily SMS joke text services"

The days went by quickly, not a single television channel or newspaper could be found without his bizarre face on it. Joke suggestions flooded into various media outlets, along with the screams or Christian groups who found the whole "charade" very tasteless.

However, yesterday, the time came where Paxton would put on his best joke shoes and comedy hat, and step into that fiery searchlight, blistering its way around the same Old Trafford stadium where he had made his announcement.

No-one was, of course, expecting the devil to show up. And on reflection, maybe that should be the real headline. But hey - I want closure on this whole Paxton thing. So, we'll choose to ignore that blindingly obvious flaw in this story and continue:

So the devil showed up. In a very sedate way, it has to be said, meandering out from the rest of the crowd, he tore away his cardigan and slacks and grew monsterously large, skin flame red, eyes burning yellow. He stepped up to Mr Paxton and demanded:

"Are you Rory Paxton? Because if not, I'm in the wrong place."

Paxton, cowering, acknowledged that he was indeed.

"Good. Now, I've been practicing all week and I've gotten quite good at telling jokes. I have to admit, it's not my forté but I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at some of my "funny joke stories"."

Paxton, now somewhat recovered, replied:

"Oh no! You're not going to tell one of those bloody shaggy dog stories that masquerade as jokes, are you?"

"Er...no," the devil clearly lied, "I just meant that...I'll tell you what, you go first."

Paxton cringed before blurting out his joke, the joke he'd spent four of his seven days writing, re-writing and sculpting into the best joke he could muster.

After the slightest of pauses the crowd went wild with laughter, as did the devil. In fact, the devil was holding his stomach and laughing so loudly that much of the audience was required to hold their ears as well as their sides. It wasn't long, however, before Mr Paxton realised there was a problem. The devil spoke up:

"That was your joke? Hah-hah! You ridiculous man, that was the worst joke I've ever heard!"

After looking around for support, Mr Paxton noticed that the crowd was not laughing at the joke, they were laughing at him. Why? Because they could not believe he'd just told the joke I'm about to tell you...a joke he told in an attempt to beat the devil...in order to save his soul.

"Who looks after fiction books - A lie-brarian"

The devil continued:

"After that monstrosity, I can spin you a yarn about chickens crossing roads and still be funnier than you. In fact," the devil turned to the crowd, "here is my joke."

The devil paused whilst the crowd awaited a joke which they knew was absolutely going to rock their world:

"My joke is: Rory Paxton!" and the devil did a flurry of movement to fully humiliate Mr Paxton in the worst possible way. The crowd laughed - the devil had his soul.

After a brief but revolting 'soul-ectomy', Paxton was sent via air-ambulance to Greater Manchester hospital where he is said to be in a stable but worsening condition.

In sports news, Manchester United won the game 2-1.