US News Politics Health

Kate Bush finds cure for ageing

story image about ageing and cure Out on the windy, windy moor
0 comment(s)
Report story

Eternal popstrel and lyrical mad-genius Kate Bush yesterday resurrected herself and her career at the Hammersmith Apollo yesterday. The singer, now believed to be aged between 107 and 142 years old, put on what was generally described as "a class act", although all the more impressive for her apparent lack of ageing.

"I saw Kate Bush when I was a youngster," claimed 87 year old Florry Upchuckle. "She looks the same now as she did back then! I wish I had her genes."

Bush's apparent defiance of the usual ravages of age are peculiar, in an age in which celebrities either die young from drug overdoses, addle themselves beyond repair from drug overdoses, or choose to take their private lives underground, presumably due to drug overdoses. Indeed, one is left to surmise that the "Queen of Weird" (as nobody we know calls her) has not in fact been a habitual drug user, even in her wild younger days during WW1.

Flocks of scientists are now believed to be descending upon the central London area in hopes of 'scalping' a few tickets for this evenings performance in order to garner more facts about her apparent ability to refy the ageing process. One scientist we caught up with, Telemachus Jones from Laughingstok University, Moscow, told us his reasoning.

"She is the epitome of youth and exuberance. We want to divine her powers, bottle her, and sell the rights to her for trillions of euro-centimes."

Until then, last night's audience will be left with strange but ebullient images of Kate Bush in her pomp.

"This woman has more talent in her left shoe than you do in your entire body!" Mrs Upchuckle told us, maniacally. We counter claimed that Ms Bush's shoes were not actually sentient, to which we were treated with a rye-smile, and a knowing wink.

The funny news item you've just read is FICTITIOUS. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof.

Headlines like this

thumbnail for item

Virgin offer training

World Business 0

British company, Virgin, are said to be offering virgin training to their staff in, what sources have called, "a really weird move".

read more
10 years ago
thumbnail for item literal definition change

Casual paradigm

World Business 0

If, like most of us, you know someone who likes to casually throw words like 'paradigm' and 'proactive' into workaday conversation, you'll be pleased to know that officials have...

read more
11 years ago


This content hasn't made people froth at the mouth with comments yet. Why not be the first to add one?

To add a comment you must first sign up and login.

Virgo horoscope

The randomness of the universe may affect you today as you search for meaning in a cornflake that looks like your......

Full horoscope

More from Laughsend

thumbnail for Celine Dion news story Titanic Wreck Scanned, Celine Dion Weeps With Envy thumbnail for Bush news story George W Bush to Take Over as the New Host of The Price is Right and Finally Find the Weapons of Mass Destruction
Funny RSS feed