Kate Bush finds cure for ageing

Eternal popstrel and lyrical mad-genius Kate Bush yesterday resurrected herself and her career at the Hammersmith Apollo yesterday. The singer, now believed to be aged between 107 and 142 years old, put on what was generally described as "a class act", although all the more impressive for her apparent lack of ageing.

"I saw Kate Bush when I was a youngster," claimed 87 year old Florry Upchuckle. "She looks the same now as she did back then! I wish I had her genes."

Bush's apparent defiance of the usual ravages of age are peculiar, in an age in which celebrities either die young from drug overdoses, addle themselves beyond repair from drug overdoses, or choose to take their private lives underground, presumably due to drug overdoses. Indeed, one is left to surmise that the "Queen of Weird" (as nobody we know calls her) has not in fact been a habitual drug user, even in her wild younger days during WW1.

Flocks of scientists are now believed to be descending upon the central London area in hopes of 'scalping' a few tickets for this evenings performance in order to garner more facts about her apparent ability to refy the ageing process. One scientist we caught up with, Telemachus Jones from Laughingstok University, Moscow, told us his reasoning.

"She is the epitome of youth and exuberance. We want to divine her powers, bottle her, and sell the rights to her for trillions of euro-centimes."

Until then, last night's audience will be left with strange but ebullient images of Kate Bush in her pomp.

"This woman has more talent in her left shoe than you do in your entire body!" Mrs Upchuckle told us, maniacally. We counter claimed that Ms Bush's shoes were not actually sentient, to which we were treated with a rye-smile, and a knowing wink.