World Health

Meat injections down one third in first half of year

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Some breaking news today as leading world scientists have declared the rate of meat injections to have decreased dramatically, to almost a third of the expected rate, in the first half of the year. Injection rates initially stayed high during the first two months of the year before plummeting, as various warnings about the effectiveness and potential dangers of the practice increased. Our health correspondent Jeremy Klyne, told us:

"Meat injections have often proved popular amongst the young as well as old, but recent critics of the practice, in particular religious groups, have caused a massive drop off in take up rates. Scaremongering about meat injections has always been rife, but increased presence amongst social media sites and coordinated rallies during recent events have certainly done their bit to increase awareness."

The rates of meat injection have increased and decreased with regularity over the past few millenia since records have been kept. In particular, rates tend to soar after large scale tragedies and events, such as after World War 2. This particular set of dips have, however, got scientists worried.

"It's very unusual to see this pattern of fall," said Susan Trumpeter, lead Meat Injection scientist at Scotland's Laughingdale University. "Normally you'd expect a drop of maybe 1 or 2 percent, but this is almost catastrophic. What we really need now is a safe and pleasurable revolution against the naysayers, or the actual future of the human race could be in jeopardy."

Religious groups have reacted angrily to Ms Trumpeter's assertions, accusing her of terrible scaremongering. In particular, one statement from Yahweh is Mahweh, read:

"The human race cannot be affected by things such as abstention. God will find a way. Bless him. And all his little angels."

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Comments

#1 @ 4 years ago
by premiata forneria marconi - Ghost

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

9 comments, registered 4 years ago
#2 @ 4 years ago
by mailbox copy7 - Ghost

premiata forneria marconi wrote

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

Doubtful.

4 comments, registered 5 years ago
#3 @ 4 years ago
by divisionvoice - Ghost

Hey - I thought it was great. :)

8 comments, registered 5 years ago
#4 @ 4 years ago
by sleetgalago - One-off wonder

divisionvoice wrote

Hey - I thought it was great. :)

Ooops, wrong post! Good morning sunshine. :(.

1 comment, registered 5 years ago
#5 @ 4 years ago
by donnie_franklin1993 - One-off wonder

I do not think this is an appropriate subject for mocking. :.

1 comment, registered 4 years ago
#6 @ 4 years ago
by drop-sea urchin - Ghost

donnie_franklin1993 wrote

I do not think this is an appropriate subject for mocking. :.

Ha! How amusing.

5 comments, registered 4 years ago

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