NHS sinks during "paper cut Friday"

The NHS was left battered and bruised this weekend, by what newspapers later dubbed "paper cut Friday". The incidence level of paper cuts increased dramatically from the morning of the 7th August, in what then overspilled into the weekend. The stress the incidents caused on the NHS was "palpable" according to one surgeon we talked to, and "absurd" by his wife.

What caused the influx of paper cut injuries is still an ongoing investigation, but sources close to the government have said that "foul play" has not yet been ruled out. Accident and Emergency rooms began to fill with the injured from 11am onwards according to most reports, and hospital beds have been slow to clear ever since.

"It's been a nightmare," claimed NHS ward nurse Jemma Donovan from Clacton-Upon-Sea royal infirmary. "Worse than that because this has been real. It's like the devil himself has been at work trying to cause as much mayhem as possible. Damn his gonads!"

Hospitals around the country have declared that they are mostly getting back up to normal levels of incoming paper-cut patients. Particularly badly hit, however, were the elderly, many of whom were unable to receive the level of care needed. James Carney, 87, was stuck at home until Tuesday morning as friends and family were themselves struck by the mystery paper cut epidemic. Next-door neighbour Gillian told us what happened.

"Well, I smelt this awful smell through his letterbox - which I only peep into to see if he's naked, usually. It's a good height, a letterbox is. Anyway, there was thing pong of mess and blood and then I saw him, huddled in the corner, crying and filthy, his hands torn to ribbons by paper cuts. I quickly called an ambulance and he's in hospital now. I hear he's undergone six hours of surgery so far - poor chap."

The government has so far announced that they will be setting up an inquiry into the strange goings on of the past week, and the NHS is likely to follow suit with a personal examination into the episode. More to follow.