World Health Sci / Tech

Anti-vaccers next targets to create perfect digital storm of bile and DDOS?

story image about antivaccers and satire Prick up your ears, but in a different word order
0 comment(s)
Report story

Prominent anti-vaccination campaigners (anti vaccer, or anti vaxxers) have today announced a roll-call of other products and services they are ready to target next, as their fantastically angry brigade continues to grow. That growth and hunger for sensationalist non-science is likely to spiral out of control, however, and bring about a perfect storm of IT related badness.

The full list of items targetted by the anti-vaccers, containing staple household items like milk and bread, has been presented to journalists and bloggers in a 140MB excel spreadsheet that is rapidly causing email accounts around the world to crash. Miles Tindall from Sophis Technologies, told us:

"Such an enormous spreadsheet is going to cause problems for people. My mum will send this damn thing to everyone who's ever emailed her, including supermarkets, price comparison robots and various Nigerian Princes she's befriended over the years. They'll all get a copy, probably with subject lines like Fw: Re: Re: Re: Fw: omg! stop eating, like, everything omg. It's a pretty scary turn of events - it's a bit like trying to send a text message on New Year's Eve a few years ago; the systems can't take it."

Whether the anti-vaccination protesters expected such an outcome is unlikely to stop many of them declaring that it was intentional, with some Twitter users already claiming victory.

"This will show those idiots who think it's OK to poison their babies with mercury and other chemicals!" said one Twitter user YourMomsVag.

"So happy that the the *man*struation that is the IT world is getting owned. Women untie against these morans!" said another.

The full list cannot be read by anyone who doesn't want their brain to hurt, so here are the first 8 entries we were brave enough to purloin.

  • Did you know that Milk contains cyanide? Well it does, and can easily contain e-coli from infected animals.
  • Bread bought from a store will always contain 34% of half of 7ppm of rat faeces.
  • The infected sores of men drip, daily, into vats of chocolate made by the Mars corporation.
  • On average 1 of 8 babies born in the US and UK is delivered without the need of medical assistance, proving that the whole hospital scene (in which you or your baby might get infected with MRSA) is a government sponsored scam and possibly a way of getting our children electronically tagged.
  • Black coffee contains stirafeminome, a drug that subverts femininity.
  • Dogs don't die of cancer but humans do. Coincidence? No!! Stop the lies! People die of cancer because they consume the products of the corrupt pharmaceutical companies.
  • Rap music and anything with a guitar in it will rape and disfigure your childrens ears, not because of the volume or the words, but because it has been scientifically proven to be a science fact.
  • Nearly all "scientists" are paid members of the membership for paid people.




The funny news item you've just read is FICTITIOUS. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof.

Headlines like this

thumbnail for item Cloth particles

Shroud of Turin - just a handkerchief!

World Sci / Tech 0

Researchers at Oxford University have found evidence that the infamous 'Shroud of Turin', said to be the death-cloth of Jesus Christ, does indeed date back to the first century...

read more
9 years ago
thumbnail for item Pussy cat in a cage

Faraday cage wildlife

World Sci / Tech 0

The University of Boston's science director has today announced findings that the Faraday cage, used in experiments including "locking in your mate to scare the willies out of him" and... well, that's about it, is not entirely suitable for caging wild and specifically endangered animals.

read more
9 years ago

Comments

This content hasn't made people froth at the mouth with comments yet. Why not be the first to add one?

To add a comment you must first sign up and login.


Taurus horoscope

Super-hero day is your own invention, and as such not a free-pass to wearing your underwear on the outside. Today......

Full horoscope

More from Laughsend

thumbnail for Celine Dion news story Titanic Wreck Scanned, Celine Dion Weeps With Envy thumbnail for Bush news story George W Bush to Take Over as the New Host of The Price is Right and Finally Find the Weapons of Mass Destruction
Funny RSS feed