Cats share 98% of their DNA with water

Scientists have today revealed that the cat, or feline, genome shares 98% of its code with that of water. The DNA sequence of the common house cat, or felis domus, is said to be almost identical, but for some strands that create a pinched anus, and on the other side the sequence that makes water care. The scientific community is said to be "stunned" by the revelation.

"I'm stunned", said one member of the scientific community, Paul Archibald. "Apart from the fact that it's the most ludicrous thing I've ever heard - water doesn't even have DNA! Whichever bozos did this study need sacking. Idiots."

When informed that members of Archibald's own research staff at Loughill University were those who conducted the study, hence our reason for interviewing in their shared lounge area, Archibald continued:

"And when I say 'idiots', I am of course using the latin term 'idiots' which means strong and brave fellows. Common misconception that one. As is the misconception that water does not contain DNA. In fact, I'm pretty sure if you examined any water you'll find it positively teeming with life. Yes, cats and water - it's pretty obvious really."

The findings coincide with much of the feeling on social media, which suggests that cats can pour themselves into any shape, often referenced with the term "If I fits, I sits."

In this instance, the conclusion of the report is that cats might at any time evolve into water itself, which is rather terrifying for anyone who doesn't want a wet pussy cat. On the other hand, ensuring we all get our 6 tumblers of cat per day might be equally upsetting.