Polar bear sick of being objectified

A polar bear has released a statement today calling on his fans and detractors alike to "stop objectifying" him. The bear, named Nathaniel, is said to be reacting to growing surge of polar bear popularity that has seen a growth in related top-shelf magazines and internet video websites. Last week Target and Costco both announced plans to stop selling polar bear (PB) literature in their stores due to the "potentially harmful effect PB exposure could have on young minds."

Nathaniel is the first public figure to speak up on the issue, and is calling on the publishers of PB to consider the effects of their actions.

"It's not right that I should have to get up every morning to the boos and jeers of rightly concerned parents who think that I'm among those who wish to flaunt our PBness in front of their offspring. I am suffering because of the actions of a few bears who think expressing themselves openly is acceptable behaviour.

"When I'm not fending off the overtly-righteous, I'm having cat-calling idiots wanting me to shake all parts of my anatomy at them in some gross facsimile of some internet PB pornographic action they've seen the previous evening. It's digusting that anyone wants to objectify me in this way. In my spare time I make clay models of houses, but no-one ever asks to see them!"

The growth in PB pornography has surprised many onlookers, but who consider the taboo to be a passing fad. In the meantime, perhaps we can all agree with Nathaniel that what he and his enormous fluffy dong get up to is best left private.