England striker Wayne Rooney has been reportedly injured in a "sensitive area" during a training session at their training camp in Brazil. Beneath the showy shadow of Sugarloaf Mountain, the England team performed their usual training exercises, including star jumps and "reach for the skies", as taught by generations of morning TV "keep fit" gurus. However, Rooney, 43, reached too deep while touching his toes and accidentally ruptured himself.
"It was horrible," said one photojournalist who was covering the training session from a bush. "Let's just say that the rest of the guys saw the crescent, but I saw the whole of the moon."
Rooney is Englands biggest star at this years Brazilian World Cup, and was set to right the record that has so far seen him convert none of his goal chances during large tournaments. The perennial "loser" challenged those who say he chokes on the big stage, by declaring himself 110% fit for the games, a challenge that Dorothy Hands, our resident psychic, has suggested has been his undoing.
"Rooney's claim simply invoked the anger of the Gods. He is dead to them now."
Rooney's injury, while nonspecific, is said to likely keep him out of the squad for at least the first two group games against Italy and Uruguay, with a possible reappearance during the easier Costa Rican game.