Luis Suarez injury to scupper England changes

A near-fatal injury to Uruguyan striker Luis Suarez has been widely reported this morning, with the positive spin that it is may now give the English nation's footballing side their best chance to win the Brazil World Cup, 2014. However, our team of top psychologists and sports experts have determined that the injury is likely to cause the exact opposite effect.

Suarez, top scorer in the English Premier League this season, is said to have ruptured his big-toe after stubbing it against a door that he mistakenly thought was more open than it actually was. The keyhole surgery required to fix the stub is said to take around 3 weeks to recover from, and possibly not enough time to be ready to star for Uruguy for the World Cup 2014 in Brazil.

England and Uruguay are paired in group D along with Costa Rica and Italy. Suarez, who has courted controversy in recent years playing for English side Liverpool FC, was set to become one of the star players of the tournament. Most British newspapers have received news of the injury with great delight, assuming that it means Uruguay have no chance without the formidable striker. Jane Thomas and Lars Ulman, disagree however:

"The English mentality is unique. In adversity they can overcome large obstacles - take the Dunkirk or Blitz spirit, for example. But when things seem on their side, when success seems imminent, they 'bottle it', losing confidence, and generally embarrassing the nation.

"A good example of this would be... well, every world cup since 1966, really. But most prominently in memory we have the last few world cups that have involved the so-called 'Golden Generation' of players. Carrying such expectations on their backs, they were not good enough."

And this relates to the Suarez situation... how?

"Well, it's all a matter of what the media will now do. Without Suarez in the team, they will now tranform Uruguay into a minnow offering, ready for slaughter on the green altar. Confidence will begin to bubble, and soon Italy will be perceived as a country filled with pizza eaters, whose only gift to football is handsome and suave fondlers of women. Costa Rica? They will claim never to have even heard of the country. It's just the way English newspapers work. It is sad."