Shock-horror specialist Tom Englandfan today declared that the English national football team is still crap, following their 1-0 victory over Norway. The news will come as a blow to manager Roy Hodgson as he tries to strengthen fans' beliefs about the upcoming 2016 Euro tournament.
"The problem with England," wrote Englandfan on Football365's message board, "is that they are now, and pretty much have always been, crap. We defend reasonably well for most of the game, but still somehow allow goals in. Our players seem incapable of holding the ball for any length of time. We score goals only when the opposition seem to want us to. It's not that we're the worst team in the world, or Europe, or even the United Kingdom. But we're not a good side."
Hodgson and captain Wayne Rooney will no doubt be devastated by the news, and while they are likely to take it to heart and start thumping their chests about national pride and how great "the lads are" on the training pitch, it seems unlikely to really change anything. Englandfan continued:
"The thing is: no one should be particularly harsh on any player, especially for what they contribute on the pitch. They're a bit crap, that's all. Sorry to harp on about it, but realistically that's what we all need to remember. Some of these are players who play well for their club sides when aided by solid professionals around them."
Some members of the media are suggesting that Hodgson, England manager of 3 years, should resign because of the lacklustre nature of the game last night, and England's failure to win the world cup in Brazil earlier this year.
"It gets a bit silly now, and I'm embarrassed by the media. What on earth any manager could do is not only beyond me, but every manager England have had since... well, forever. Beyond them, beyond the FA, beyond the media even - who occasionally get exactly what they wish for and still it doesn't work. Management is important, but let's not pretend that everyone isn't culpable."
The media have since savagely set upon Tom Englandfan, declaring that he is moronic, has had it away with seventy-year old grannies, and is the kind of guy to threaten to quit his job unless he gets stunningly preferential treatment. Or was that Rooney?