World Sport

Bumper-car fatalities up 187% in 2014

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The latest Office for Global Statistics figures show a disturbing rise in the number of global bumper-car fatalities. Bumper-cars, also sometimes known as dodgems, are responsible for a recorded 418 worldwide deaths so far this year, with that number set to rise.

Fairground owners SharksMob have been quick to denounce the release of these figures, stating that, in their opinions, the data is heavily skewed.

"The problem with the OBS," said Charles Gnarbles, CEO of SharksMob, "is that they talk a lot of horse shit. I mean, when it comes down to it, what is a fatality anyway? Is it where someone actually dies? We don't think so. No, they've purposefully manipulated the data in order to generate a new story."

Bumper-cars have long been known to cause horrific spinal injuries, and tantrums, but this is the first year where fatalities have risen to more than 1 reported case around the world. Gnarbles, however, disputes this years figure:

"Once again we're being pilloried for so-called 'accidents' that should really be called 'on-purposes', because that's the whole nature of the bumper car! You ram people - now how can that be called an accident? I'm saying that the OBS should just shut up, before me and my lads make them."

Long-time Carny Paul Schrodinger shares some of Gnarbles opinions about the report, but disagrees about the dangers of bumper cars.

"Hell wheels we used to call 'em," Shrodinger recollects. "People'd come from all round to ride in our home-made bumper-cars. We'd rig up some shivs and blades to the four corners of the bumpers, and let 'em go wild on packs of chained up prairie dogs. Boy - you ain't ever ridden a bumper-car properly until you're sliding around on blood and guts. No howdy."

The OBS report is available for download at www.nopenotreally.uhuh/404.not

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