World Sport

Bumper-car fatalities up 187% in 2014

story image about are and bumper Bump and grind is the correct phrase
Report story

The latest Office for Global Statistics figures show a disturbing rise in the number of global bumper-car fatalities. Bumper-cars, also sometimes known as dodgems, are responsible for a recorded 418 worldwide deaths so far this year, with that number set to rise.

Fairground owners SharksMob have been quick to denounce the release of these figures, stating that, in their opinions, the data is heavily skewed.

"The problem with the OBS," said Charles Gnarbles, CEO of SharksMob, "is that they talk a lot of horse shit. I mean, when it comes down to it, what is a fatality anyway? Is it where someone actually dies? We don't think so. No, they've purposefully manipulated the data in order to generate a new story."

Bumper-cars have long been known to cause horrific spinal injuries, and tantrums, but this is the first year where fatalities have risen to more than 1 reported case around the world. Gnarbles, however, disputes this years figure:

"Once again we're being pilloried for so-called 'accidents' that should really be called 'on-purposes', because that's the whole nature of the bumper car! You ram people - now how can that be called an accident? I'm saying that the OBS should just shut up, before me and my lads make them."

Long-time Carny Paul Schrodinger shares some of Gnarbles opinions about the report, but disagrees about the dangers of bumper cars.

"Hell wheels we used to call 'em," Shrodinger recollects. "People'd come from all round to ride in our home-made bumper-cars. We'd rig up some shivs and blades to the four corners of the bumpers, and let 'em go wild on packs of chained up prairie dogs. Boy - you ain't ever ridden a bumper-car properly until you're sliding around on blood and guts. No howdy."

The OBS report is available for download at www.nopenotreally.uhuh/404.not

The funny news item you've just read is FICTITIOUS. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof.

Headlines like this

thumbnail for item A generic football badge

Chelsea FC to be sold as drug for narcolepsy

UK News Sport 0

English Premier League football club Chelsea FC are said to be considering bottling their particular brand of recent football as a drug, to ensure long and trouble free sleeping....

read more
10 years ago
thumbnail for item David Moyes Gout Plane Banner

Moyes gout

World Sport 0

Manchester United boss David Moyes has today been revealed to be suffering from gout. The revelation came via an unusual means: a banner, flown from the back of a plane, displaying...

read more
10 years ago


This content hasn't made people froth at the mouth with comments yet. Why not be the first to add one?

To add a comment you must first sign up and login.

Capricorn horoscope

Many of your emotions have been plagiarised by others who have no idea how you feel. NO IDEA I TELLS YA! When aiming......

Full horoscope

More from Laughsend

thumbnail for Celine Dion news story Titanic Wreck Scanned, Celine Dion Weeps With Envy thumbnail for Bush news story George W Bush to Take Over as the New Host of The Price is Right and Finally Find the Weapons of Mass Destruction
Funny RSS feed