Liverpool to win premier league, claims Brendan Rogers

Liverpool FC are going to win the premier league in 2014/2015, claims current boss Brendan Rogers. Rogers made the claim while talking to his wife over breakfast, strongly suggesting that with "Jaws" Suarez now out of the picture, the team was ready to step up a gear and take on the might of those other much better teams around them.

"Suarez is a lovely man, you don't get better people. He was the soft toy among ancient machinery and pieces of broken cutlery, a true gentleman, scholar and - so damn KISSABLE. But still, he was the spanner in our engine last year, and like all good engines ours now needs oil and gears and the ability to convert rotational energy into kinetic potential, and sure as F = ma, we're going to push on, get the legs from under us, and really start spinning up. This is our year, dear."

Rogers' wife, Joan, was unable to comment at this point, perhaps due to being overwhelmed by her husband's eloquency, and grasp of physics.

Liverpool finished 2nd in the league last year, faltering at the last to allow Manchester City FC to take the title by just 2 points. While some blame Captain Gerrard's "slip" during a Chelsea clash that could have seen them roar to the trophy, Rogers has always claimed that Liverpool were simply on their way up and aiming for the title this year, instead.

"We're like professional wrestlers, Joan," Rogers continued. "We need to bulk up, take protein, hit the heavy weights, keep checking ourselves out in the mirror - just for the look of the thing, not from ego. We'll dust our hands in a little talc, stare maniacally at our opponents while all the time thinking about Sartre and Rorschach - mostly because we've heard their names but don't know what they mean. Then afterwards we oil down and take a muscle relaxant, possibly do a small shit in our speedos, and relax, knowing we've done a good days work. As Shankly once said: 'If you are first you are first. If you are second you are nothing.' Now there was a man you could shine your shoes to."

Liverpool's aims are so far on target, with a 2-1 win on the opening day of their campaign setting them up for a bumper year.