Playground games banned

Governments around the world have today been urged by concerned parenting groups to place a complete ban on all playground games and activities. Parents Against Pretty Much Everything (PAPME) spokesperson Andy Loudwater has been pressing for a complete ban for months, but has found a new figurehead in his campaign: earlier this month one specific incident gave him the fuel he and other eternally-enraged parents needed to force the issue. Mr Loudwater voiced his case earlier this morning from the steps outside a nondescript courthouse:

"Judy Fuller and Martin Tylenol were six year old classmates," he stated, reading from a ten page manuscript that he is unable to finish because of the rage-tears holding him back. "Until, during what seemed to be a routine game of tig, or tag - depending on where you're from - when one of the children forcefully pressed his or her hands upon the other."

PAPME have taken the option of pursuing the aggrevator in this case.

"We have declined to mention which of the two was the rape victim in this case, to protect our case, which we hope will end in criminal charges and hopefully prison. This was a savage case of bullying, harmful social stereotypes, genetically modified crops - and the patriarchy - gone wrong. We're to blame if we don't turn around and see the world we've created. We must protect the children. All the children. All of the time."

Others have suggested that PAPME's 14 strong membership ought not be held as the poster-example for all parenting, and there are real concerns that such a group might be seen as waving the flag for all parents. However, some have suggested that life might be more interesting if, for once, we let people like this have their way. Gerard Gimmel of Gimmel Gerard Enterprises Ltd said:

"Just for once I'd like these blithering idiots to get their way - not just a bit, which is what always happens, but the whole thing. You see, we usually compromise with these morons so that we have a half-assed solution that happens to annoy pretty much everyone, and is horribly restrictive and damaging. But by actually going the whole-hog with what they ask for we'd have a situation in which you couldn't help but see how ridiculous their arguments and solutions are. Banning playground play? Hell in a handcart. Let them have their way - it'll all be reversed, and in its entirely, within hours, I promise you. Bloody morons..."