World Sport

Nazi cyborgs make up 78% of sports stars

story image about cyborgs and nazi A different cyborg model entirely
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Evidence has been uncovered showing that secret experiments, performed by the Nazis towards the end of World War II, resulted in the creation of human-looking cyborg beings, and who are now known to make up 78% of all popular and successful sports stars. The advanced synthetic creatures were originally generated in the image of Hitler's Aryan superrace - blonde hair, blue eyes, and with a liking for lederhosen and a bit of german sausage. Some continuance of those traits, particularly the penchant for sausage, has helped teams across the globe to track down the continued existence of the sports stars.

Although the existence of such a scheme has previously been widely accepted throughout the academic world, this latest news shows that not only was German science successful in its "alternative breeding" programme, but that the proliferation of their work lived well beyond the Nazi years. Scientists who worked on the project, along with their blueprints, are now known to have been sneaked out of Europe and into the United States in the latter part of 1943, where they were then tasked with building an unstoppable pseudo-sentient species. A quote from the only surviving document of the era - a diary of Dr Eschbok Schuller, one of those involved in the project, said -

"Everyone knew that what we were doing was not natural, but it was exciting work. My work on the coital or "dong" region was particularly riveting. The metal polisher was used a great deal in my day, I can tell you."

The full details of what happened to the project are lost to history, as the scheme was snowballed in the early 1950s due to cut-backs. However, the fruits of the work apparently lived on, and the cyborgs that were produced either escaped or were let free to roam the globe.

Since the story broke earlier this month, there have been many attempts to track down the cyborgs, most ending in failure. The most fool-proof method for finding out if a sports star is actually a cyborg involves examining the only known trait that exists, from the only known documentation of the secret work on them, namely from Dr Schuller, who was clearly obsessed with his work:

"Under the male organ, and as close to the female clitoris as I could get (I am a man after all; these things are not so exact for us!), I always made sure to put a little engraving of a little alien face. It symbolised my lack of grip on reality."

For obvious reasons, the task of discovering the true cyborg has been handed over to the folk responsible for administering drugs tests.

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