NHS staff forced to become Premier League footballers for morale and fitness purposes

NHS staff have today revealed that they've been ordered by senior bosses to join a Premier League football team. The news comes as an addendum to earlier news that the taking of Zumba classes would become a basic requirement of NHS employment.

Laughsend has talked to several NHS staff today who've given this idea the royal thumbs down - which is to say that the thumbs were slightly bent due to inbreeding. Many have admitted that while the prospect of joining a Premier League team doesn't appear to be an overtly difficult task, it is the regime that concerns many. Mary Kant, head midwife at Lanchester Infirmary, told us:

"Unless we're talking about those clowns at Manchester United, getting a club to sign you on just because you're English seems to be a doddle. Chelsea and Manchester City will take on a good eighty percent of NHS staff without a second glance. But I tell you what I don't like: I don't like the idea of travelling to Stoke on wet Tuesday evening. That horrifies me. "Personally I haven't got a problem with delivering a baby while wearing shin pads... in fact, that sounds sorta kinky. But studs in a delivery room? Have you seen how well polished and clean those floors are? Exactly. I think."

NHS officials have yet to ratify the claim, stating that internal memos are not subject to press or public scrutiny and that they will announce any concrete future plans via the usual channels.