A phone conversation between Serena Williams and Maria Sharapova

Long before she was suspended for using performance enhancing drugs, Maria Sharapova decided to give Serena Williams a call one night just a few weeks before the U.S. Open last year. This was how the conversation went.

SW: Hello, who is this?

MS: Its your greatest rival.

SW: You do not sound like Venus to me.

MS: I am not Venus you dummy. I am Maria.

SW: With all due respect Maria, a blonde who I have beaten countless times should be the last person on earth to call me dummy.

MS: Why do you always have to give people this attitude? Gosh. Enough already.

SW: So let me get this straight, you call my phone in the middle of the night, call me dummy when I can’t recognize your voice, as if I was even supposed to anyway, and then you have the audacity to tell me that I have an attitude?

MS: What does audacity mean?

SW: You are blonde. You wouldn’t understand if I tell you.

MS: Excuse me? Do you have something against blondes?

SW: Do you have something against me?

MS: Why would you think that I would have something against you?

SW: Well let me see, like I said before, I have beaten you countless times on the tennis court on all surfaces. I have more overall titles than you. Including Grand Slams and career prize money. I am ranked number one in the world and I am the current holder of all the Grand Slam titles.

MS: You think winning titles is everything in sports?

SW: Yes. That’s why I’ve been so successful for more than a decade.

MS: Well I have been fairly successful too. I have made millions of dollars in endorsements.

SW: Precisely. Just like your compatriot Anna.

MS: Who is Anna?

SW: Anna Kournikova. Another Russian blonde with an American accent who my sister Venus and I beat regularly when she played. She is retired now.

MS: I have never heard of her.

SW: Of course you wouldn’t. You are so full of yourself.

MS: I beg your pardon?

SW: Any woman who can name a candy line "Sugarpova" as a variation of her surname has to be full of herself.

MS: Don't think that it’s important that I look at other avenues of earning money? I cannot play tennis forever you know.

SW: And you think that as a professional athlete, selling candy to little children is the best way to earn money outside of tennis?

MS: Listen, it was just a suggestion by my agent and I thought that I’d go along with it. Is it my fault that the venture would have been a success? Besides, both you and I know that I also have the ability to win on the court. Can’t you remember how I beat you at Wimbledon in 2004?

SW: And how many times have I beaten you since then?

MS: Such statistics are irrelevant to me. In addition to which, I also won the US Open in 2006, the Australian Open in 2008 and the French Open in 2012 and 2014.

SW: The statistics of my beating you would obviously be irrelevant to you because it is too much losses for you to count. Besides, this year I am going for the calendar Grand Slam; having copped the first three Grand Slams of 2015 already. Do you think you can do that "Miss Sugarpova"?

MS: Look, I can see that this is going nowhere. I have had enough.

SW: Enough of what? This conversation or my beating you?

Maria, in a rage, slammed the phone down on Serena. Still angry, she thought to herself: ‘I’ve had it up to here with this girl. Her domination of women’s tennis has to stop. It’s time that I come up with a sinister plan just like another blonde in another sport did to her great rival some years ago.’ Soon after, Maria went online and sent a friend request to Tonya Harding on Facebook.