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Apocalypse strikes world; everyone dead

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In a rather unnerving moment for optimists everywhere, the world spectacularly ended overnight, with everyone assumed dead. The incident, described by multi-governmental officials as 'disturbing', occurred during the early hours, obliterating man, woman and otherwise kind in mere seconds. Roger Stratton, former disaster recovery chief at Microsoft told us:

"It was a real shock for everyone. My job title refers solely to ensuring the survivability of Microsoft during some sort of prolonged power outage, so I'm not really in a position to give too much information about the apocalypse. But, yeah, we're all dead, so it's a bit of a bummer, really."

The incident has failed to spark anticipated riots or lawlessness, a situation that some have blamed on the total and absolute nature of the destruction caused.

"Let's not mince words," said Laurie Pascall, former head of FEMA. "Everybody's dead. Nobody is alive. And I'm not pulling an Odysseus stunt here - Nobody is not a personal pronoun."

World governments and non governing organisations alike have pulled together to condemn the apocalypse, decrying the general chaos it has caused. The Kardashians - gone forever. Duct tape - so revered, yet now fully lost. Umami - that taste sense that no-one feels comfortable suggesting is absolute bollocks, has disappeared. Cross-stitch. Gone. Creedence Clearwater Revival. Titanic, the movie. Gone. Spielberg dead. Hitler lookalikes, dead. Hawking dead. It's the end of everyone.

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