World Health Sci / Tech

Apocalypse strikes world; everyone dead

story image about Apocalypse and dead
0 comment(s)
Report story

In a rather unnerving moment for optimists everywhere, the world spectacularly ended overnight, with everyone assumed dead. The incident, described by multi-governmental officials as 'disturbing', occurred during the early hours, obliterating man, woman and otherwise kind in mere seconds. Roger Stratton, former disaster recovery chief at Microsoft told us:

"It was a real shock for everyone. My job title refers solely to ensuring the survivability of Microsoft during some sort of prolonged power outage, so I'm not really in a position to give too much information about the apocalypse. But, yeah, we're all dead, so it's a bit of a bummer, really."

The incident has failed to spark anticipated riots or lawlessness, a situation that some have blamed on the total and absolute nature of the destruction caused.

"Let's not mince words," said Laurie Pascall, former head of FEMA. "Everybody's dead. Nobody is alive. And I'm not pulling an Odysseus stunt here - Nobody is not a personal pronoun."

World governments and non governing organisations alike have pulled together to condemn the apocalypse, decrying the general chaos it has caused. The Kardashians - gone forever. Duct tape - so revered, yet now fully lost. Umami - that taste sense that no-one feels comfortable suggesting is absolute bollocks, has disappeared. Cross-stitch. Gone. Creedence Clearwater Revival. Titanic, the movie. Gone. Spielberg dead. Hitler lookalikes, dead. Hawking dead. It's the end of everyone.

Headlines like this

thumbnail for item Jesus left hand

Apocalypse likelihood "on the rise" suggests new bible data

World 0

The Bible, provider of funny phrases like "he that pisseth against the wall" and "let me eat some of that red stuff, because I'm exhausted" has for centuries been providing new...

read more
9 years ago
thumbnail for item Asian man drinking coffee on phone

Dictator eats victim's meal

World 2

Asian dictator Jeff Un Sum was today exposed to the world as a "stealer of meals". The footage, uploaded to social media network Vine, shows the dictator smiling as he flagrantly...

read more
9 years ago


This content hasn't made people froth at the mouth with comments yet. Why not be the first to add one?

To add a comment you must first sign up and login.

Aquarius horoscope

Scraping the barrel doesn't always mean that you have to consume your own waste. Go with the flow and let people take......

Full horoscope

More from Laughsend

Former UK Speaker Betty Boothroyd Mourned by Nation, Fondly Remembered for Whoopie Cushion Shenanigans Brexit Supply Chain Issues Bring Joy to School Children: No More Vegetables Means More Pizza and Sweeties!
Funny RSS feed